


P.S. I Love You

by NessieCullen9



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-26
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NessieCullen9/pseuds/NessieCullen9
Summary: Bella finally gets her forever, but not in the way she planned. Immortals can die, and eternal love is elusive. Begins amid the newborn battle in Eclipse. Also posted on FFN, 2009.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jasper Hale/Bella Swan
Comments: 22
Kudos: 100





	1. The Casualty

Seeing that Victoria had no intention of helping him, Riley fled. Both of his arms lay on the ground near my feet, but he ran away without them. Seth followed close behind, disappearing into the trees. That worried me. Seth was just a kid. I didn't want him running off alone, but a part of me knew he'd be fine. Riley was pretty much defenseless without his arms. Seth would finish him off. I was much more concerned about Edward.

Edward and Victoria still blurred in my eyes as they continued to fight. I couldn't tell who had the upper hand. Victoria's movements had slowed down slightly. I took that as a sign that she was hurt, but it wasn't making much of a difference. She was still holding her own against Edward. When I'd seen him fighting with Jasper before, Edward had seemed so invincible to me, but he didn't now. He was having trouble with Victoria. Trouble that very abruptly got worse.

There was a loud crack as Edward was thrown into a tree. The tree trunk cracked in half with the force of the blow, and the upper part of the tree fell over. It fell straight toward me and I tried to dive out of the way. Most of the tree missed me, but one long branch whipped me in the shoulder as it fell. I cried out at the sharp pain as the branch left a long gash where it hit. More than anything, I was shocked that the blood flowing out of the wound distracted neither of the dueling vampires. Edward had recovered and was launching himself repeatedly at Victoria. She kept dodging every attack. Each one until…

Though I had heard the high-pitched keening sound before, it still hurt my ears. Victoria screeched in pain as Edward tore one of her arms from her body. It fell close to her feet, and she made the mistake of reaching for it. Edward broke off her other arm. It looked like he had her at that point. It was all but over, but then…

"EDWARD!" I was sure my scream of agony could be heard by all the vampires within a five mile radius of where I lay. All the Cullens and any of the newborns still fighting them must have heard it. Jasper must have felt it. Any pain I felt during Edward's absence several months ago was nothing compared to this. Victoria had no arms! She had no arms, but she still managed to do it… She lunged forward and bit into Edward's neck. As the force of her lunge carried her forward, she tore all the way through. There was no cry of pain. There was nothing. Everything went black. That is, until a woman's voice brought me back to the surface.

"Bella. Bella, sweetheart, wake up. Please wake up. Open your eyes…" A cool hand stroked my face and hair. Was it Esme? No, the voice was wrong. Alice or Rosalie? It couldn't be. My curiosity helped me force open my eyes. I immediately wished I'd stayed in the darkness.

"Oh good, you're awake, Bella," Victoria said to me, her voice menacingly silken. Her arms were reattached and she was staring down at me with pitch black eyes. She was thirsty. Please, just kill me quickly. Please. Edward is gone. He's dead. Please, just kill me now.

Victoria smiled down at me as if she could hear my pleading thoughts. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you," she almost cooed. No! I want you to kill me! Please! "Not in the way you think, at least." What? No. Whatever you're talking about, no! Edward's gone! Kill me! Victoria laid a hand on my right shoulder and squeezed lightly. I whimpered as her fingers pressed into the gash in my shoulder, but then she let go. She brought her fingers which were coated in my blood to her face and licked at them like a cat. No, please… My eyes widened in terror and Victoria laughed.

"I'm just enjoying what I can of the taste, since I won't be drinking much," she said casually. "I'm very thirsty, but I've had a lot of practice creating all the newborns I brought here." That was when it clicked. My stomach lurched violently. Victoria wasn't going to drain me. She was going to change me.

Though I knew it was pointless, I tried to get up. She easily pinned me back down, placing one of her hands on each of my upper arms. "You see, Bella," Victoria purred as if she hadn't been interrupted by my struggles, "this all worked out even better than I'd originally planned. My plan at first was to kill you and leave Edward to suffer over your loss, as I have over James. The problem with that plan was that it made more sense if your and Edward's positions were switched. A mate for mate loss is fair enough, but what about you? You love Edward, but you have no concept of how it feels to know that you may live forever without him. Bella, you've wanted to be a vampire for a while now, and you will be."

I had no time to react. I had no time to scream. All of a sudden, Victoria's teeth were at my neck. I'd felt the burn of vampire venom before, and here it was again, searing through my veins. Victoria didn't stop at one bite. She pulled back and bit the other side of my neck, then each of my wrists, ankles, and the inside of each elbow. I shrieked in agony every time. When Victoria finally pulled away entirely, all my screams blurred into one. Victoria smiled down at me.

"The rest of your coven will be busy for a little while longer," she told me. "Same with those wolves you've befriended. I doubt there will be more casualties on your side, but the newborns will keep them distracted all the same. By the time anyone comes up here looking for you and Edward, it will be too late to stop the conversion. Alice shouldn't even see anything, since this change in my plans was so sudden." Victoria leaned down, and I thought she was going to bite me again, but she just kissed my forehead as I thrashed on the ground. "Enjoy forever, Bella." She purred, and then she was gone.

I continued to scream and thrash on the ground, but no one heard me. No one came. I looked wildly around and saw the tower of purple smoke over an open fire just a few yards away from me. I screamed in agony that had nothing to do with the venom burning through me. I screamed out Edward's name. No one came.


	2. Flames

I was vaguely aware of quiet conversations taking place around me. It was too difficult to follow what was being said. I was much too distracted. I was engulfed in flames, I was sure of it, and my heart was beating much too fast. The flames must have burned all the way through my legs and arms. They weren't burning anymore, but my torso was still in the fire. The pain was beyond description. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop. I would welcome death, if it ended the burning.

"How much longer, Alice?" An anxious female voice was asking. Esme? Her voice sounded a little different. So gentle.

"Fifteen minutes," Alice answered. Her voice reminded me of delicate wind chimes. It was more musical than ever. Wait… This burning would last fifteen more minutes?! Please, no! Make it stop now! Alice, Esme, please!

"You're sure?" A familiar male voice asked. Carlisle. His voice was different, too. Even warmer and so clear… Still burning. Fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Wait… How did I know that?

"Positive," Alice replied. "She's so much clearer now. I can see her much better than when she was human…" Alice trailed off and someone nearby sobbed softly. Esme, again.

"What do you think she'll do?" Esme asked.

"I have no idea," a new male voice surprised me. Jasper? His voice was so rich and beautiful. "We already expected her to be a little different, since she chose this... None of the newborns I ever dealt with had met their mate. They didn't have that kind of attachment to deal with. They certainly never experienced the loss of such a love. I have no way to know what it will do to her." He was talking about Edward. Edward… As if the flames weren't painful enough.

I clenched my fists. Everyone froze. I realized I had been hearing even their subtle movements. I could tell that everyone around me had gone completely still. No one even breathed for a moment.

"She can hear us now," Alice said. Her melodious voice sounded relieved, but there was an undercurrent of something I couldn't make out.

"She can?!" Esme gasped. Someone came closer to me and I felt someone's hand on my forehead. My head wasn't burning like my torso was, but I was still shocked when the hand didn't feel cool on my skin. Was that really Esme? "Bella, honey? Can you hear us?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer Esme, though I wanted to. She sounded so upset. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't make them budge. I felt the flames constrict and concentrate. The heat no longer engulfed my entire torso, but it flared to inferno in my chest. My heart started beating so fast it sounded like a constant hum… No. It wasn't a hum. It was a roar. A feral howl straight from hell. I fought back the urge to scream in agony, and I squirmed beneath Esme's hand.

"Oh, I know it hurts, Bella," Esme whispered. "Just a little bit longer, dear. It's almost over. Twelve more minutes, Bella. Shh…" I felt Esme's hand stroke my hair soothingly. It didn't really help.

"Careful, Esme," Jasper warned. I heard him walk a little closer.

"She's fine, Jasper," Alice said confidently. "Bella won't hurt her." Me hurt Esme? Are you kidding? What kind of sick joke is that?! The fire withdrew again, pulling more heat into my heart, away from the rest of my body.

"Of course she won't." That voice really shocked me. Was that really Rosalie? Her voice was now an even better match to her stunning beauty, but why was Rosalie defending me? Why was there not even a trace of her distaste for me in her voice? No one challenged her comment either. Perhaps they too were stunned by the compassionate tone in her voice.

"We're all with you, Bella," a deep male voice that could only belong to Emmett spoke next. He moved closer to me too, his steps sounding heavier than all the others. I felt his big hand covering one of mine. His hand, like Esme's, was not as cold as it was supposed to be. It felt softer too. Not being able to see was really troubling me. Thinking of Emmett as warm and soft felt wrong in so many ways. I instinctively tried to reach for his hand, trying to get a better feel of it. I could only lift my hand an inch before letting it drop.

Everyone stopped breathing again.

Emmett quickly withdrew his hand, but he didn't back away. Esme did. Her hand left my hair and I heard her light steps take her somewhere behind Emmett. I heard several pairs of feet moving. Most of them backed away from me. One pair moved closer.

"Three minutes," Alice announced.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice came from about fifteen feet away. "The pain is going to get worse for a minute," he warned. "Then it will stop." Worse?! Oh, no…

Less than three seconds after Carlisle spoke, it hit: The fire was only in my heart, but it burned more viciously than ever. It violently objected to its containment in such a small part of my body, and it burned with a vengeance. I tried to shrink away from it, but I could only ball my hands into fists again. I fought back the urge to scream. My heart rate skyrocketed and I could almost picture it shooting off fireworks. Spouts of the fire in me exploded upward, leaving my body for good. The fireworks came harder and faster until, all of a sudden… it stopped. My heart stopped. I wasn't dead. I knew I was a vampire. I opened my eyes and everything was so clear.

Jasper and Emmet were on either side of the bed I was lying on. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Alice were standing fifteen feet away, watching me warily. There were only six… My still heart broke. I started to cry, but no tears came. Strangely, no sounds came either. My body was just shaking with anguish. It wasn't right. I sobbed harder. A wave of calm washed over me and I remembered Jasper. I looked at him more carefully and I gasped.

Jasper's scars were the first thing I noticed. Though they had once been nearly invisible to my eyes, it was impossible to ignore them. They peppered the majority of his exposed skin… his hands, his wrists, his neck was the worst, his jaw… There were a few scars on his face, the most prominent one just above his right eye. Even with all those scars, he was astonishingly beautiful. His honey-blonde curls framed his chiseled face perfectly. His amber eyes were deep and soulful. I turned to look at everyone else again.

They had all been beautiful to my human eyes, but this was an entirely new level. Each one of the Cullens was breathtaking in their appearance. Carlisle was only rivaled by the sun itself. Rosalie was unbelievably gorgeous. Esme was lovely. Alice was exquisite. Emmett was still frightening in his size, but handsomer now. The one who had always been the most beautiful to my human eyes, though… He wasn't here. I would never look upon him with these new eyes, never know just how magnificent he truly was… I only knew the entirety of his beautiful soul, and even that was beyond my reach. A dry, silent sob shook my body again. I decided I should try to sit up. How did I not get a head rush from that? Within the same millisecond I decided to sit up, I already was sitting up. I tensed. Jasper hit me with another wave of calm. I looked back at him and he moved slowly. He reached toward me cautiously, laying a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay, Bella," he said. "The speed and strength take some getting used to, and you're stronger than all of us right now." I nodded, understanding. There was a moment of tense silence while everyone stared at me expectantly. Oddly, Rosalie was the first one to crack.

"Bella, please say something," she said anxiously. I wasn't sure what to say, but everyone seemed to want the same thing as Rosalie. They were all visibly on edge. I had to ease some of their tension if I could. They had lost Edward, too. I was all they had left of him. That thought intensified my grief so that it nearly overwhelmed me, but I fought it down quickly. I had to be strong for my family.

"Bella, how did you do that?" Jasper asked sharply. He looked shocked, alarmed... What did I do? I tried to ask him that very question and failed. My lips moved, but I just couldn't force any sound out. I was instantly fearful. What was wrong with me? I looked at Jasper in alarm which he could surely feel. It was Alice who suddenly gasped. Everyone instantly turned to her.

As soon as Alice's eyes refocused, she looked at me with a pained expression. "She lost her voice. She can't talk."

"What?!"

"NO!"

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Oh, Bella…"

"How could that be?"

"….!" I automatically looked at Carlisle, as did everyone else. He was silent for a moment, deep in thought. He walked toward me at human pace, wary of causing me any more alarm.

"I never thought it possible for vampires," he began thoughtfully, "but I've seen it in humans… even those cases were rare. I saw it more often a couple centuries ago. Let me see you try to speak again, Bella?" He asked gently. "Just try saying our names?" I nodded and opened my mouth to speak… and nothing. Still no sound. Carlisle frowned sadly and laid a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Sometimes, when someone is severely traumatized, they can temporarily lose their voice," he explained. "It often seems to be caused by nothing more or less than intense grief. The only cure is in the relief of the cause, I'm afraid. Your voice will only return when you can overcome your grief, Bella. There is a chance, of course, that this is some adverse reaction to your transformation, but that seems highly unlikely to me. I've never heard of the conversion having any such side-effects, and I've certainly never seen such a thing myself. Jasper?" Carlisle turned to him. "What are you picking up from Bella?"

"She's grieving, certainly," Jasper said, looking at me with probing eyes. His stare was intense, and I realized he must be focusing his gift entirely on me. He frowned. "At first I wondered if she'd become immune to my sense, like she always was to Edward's, but that's not the case. I can feel several emotions within her… Grief, despair, fear, anxiety, confusion… Something's off, though. That's what I was asking you about before, Bella," he said to me. "A moment ago, when Rosalie asked you to speak, your grief intensified. I was about to help, but you reined the emotion in yourself. I've never seen a newborn control their emotions like that. It wasn't just that one time either. Since you opened your eyes, you've been keeping all your emotions at bay for the most part. I helped you a little, but it wasn't really necessary. I don't doubt for a moment that you're in much more pain than you're letting come through. You're containing your emotions, and I can't understand how you have that amount of control."

I looked around the room for something to write with, like I used to when I had a really sore throat as a human. I realized that the bed I was on was in the middle of Carlisle's office. I saw a notepad and paper on his desk and I got up to get it. I was across the room in less than half a second. I looked back to the spot where all the others stood, my eyes wide.

"It's alright, Bella," Esme said. "You're fine. What were you going to do?" I picked up the notepad and pen, taking them back over to Jasper. I stood so he could see the paper as I wrote.

I could tell you were all upset. I knew you'd all feel worse if I started falling apart.

Jasper stared at me incredulously, as did everyone else. They had all moved closer to where Jasper and I stood, so they could see what I was writing.

"Bella, you have every right to be going to pieces right now," Alice said exasperatedly. "We all have." I raised my eyebrows at her. "Bella, you've been asleep, so to speak, for three days. We all had our turns during that time. Esme was the worst of all of us." Esme nodded in agreement. She did look like she would be crying, were it possible. "We're the ones trying to help you through this. You're a vampire, Bella! You saw Ed…" She didn't finish that sentence. "Victoria changed you, expecting you to suffer. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to grieve. Don't you try to put our needs before yours. Not now." Everyone around me nodded in agreement. I shook my head.

What happened with the newborns? Did anyone else get hurt? Is the pack okay? Did the Volturi come? What do my parents think happened to me? What does everyone in town think? Why are we still in Forks? Are we going to leave soon?

I caught sight of something on my hand as I wrote: the scar from when James bit me. I quickly looked over the rest of my body. A small part of my mind noted the fact that someone, probably Alice, had put me in a long sweater dress and ballet flats, but that wasn't what I was looking for. There were no other scars on my body. None at all. Victoria's bites had left no mark, the long scar down my left arm was gone…

Why do I still have the one bite scar when all the others are gone?

"We aren't entirely sure why you retained that one mark, Bella," Carlisle said, "but I do have a theory: Vampire venom has remarkable healing power, and it enhances physical attractiveness, usually healing any and all surface imperfections. When a human is changed, the bites inflicted to start the conversion never leave a mark. The venom prevents that. You are the only human any of us have ever known to be bitten prior to changing. James bit you and you didn't change, nor did you die. All that the experience left you with was the scar and the memory. The scar was still different than any others you had. It was slightly colder than the rest of your skin, and it had a very subtle gleam in the sunlight. It was like a cross between your human skin and our vampire skin. If you feel it now, Bella, it feels just the same as the rest of your skin, aside from being slightly raised."

I felt the scar, as Carlisle suggested. It no longer felt cold at all. The scar, as well as the rest of my skin, felt warm and soft. I looked back up at Carlisle inquiringly.

"My theory," Carlisle explained, "is that the scar wasn't healed because it was already somewhat close to what the rest of your skin is now: vampire skin. Try comparing it to getting your teeth whitened as a human, Bella. If one tooth is, for whatever reason, much whiter than all the others, then when all of your teeth are whitened, the tooth that started out whiter will still be whiter. Perhaps the scar James gave you remains distinct because it was already so much more like vampire skin to begin with." I nodded. Though it still surprised me, I could see Carlisle's reasoning. I shook that thought from my head and I pointed at the other questions I'd written on the paper.

"All the newborns were destroyed," Jasper informed me, "and no one else was harmed. Seth and another one of the wolves found you, and they put together what had happened. The rest of the pack saw it all in their pack mind and Jacob changed into his human form to tell us what they'd seen. Emmett and Alice went up the mountain to get you while the pack made other plans. Jacob just asked that we focus on taking care of you while they hunted Victoria." Panic instantly flashed through my entire body. Jasper calmed me with his gift, and he countered the argument I was about to write down before I could even write one word of it.

"I understand you're scared for them, Bella," he said quickly. "We all are, believe it or not, but none of the pack will allow what she did to go unpunished, nor will we. Victoria killed Edward and changed you without your consent. She will pay for that Bella." I wanted to argue, but it was pointless without my voice. I would get nowhere.

"A few members of the Volturi Guard did come," Alice said, moving through my list of questions. "Demitri, Felix, Jane, and two others. They arrived shortly after Emmett and I got you back down to the main clearing. They questioned us about the fight. We told them Victoria had created the army to fight us and to get to you. We told them almost the whole truth from there, just leaving out the wolves—we fought and destroyed all the newborns, Victoria killed Edward and bit you—they didn't linger long, seeing that you were changing and needed tending to." I nodded, fighting down the agony that was ripping at my insides as she spoke.

"As for your parents and all the other humans in town, Bella," Carlisle said gravely, "the story is not a nice one, I'm afraid. They all know that Edward is dead, and they think that you are too. We staged a car crash with his Volvo. We made sure that the car exploded and burned, so the lack of bodies could be explained. The story is that you and Edward were in the car when it crashed, and the fire destroyed everything, so neither of your bodies were recovered." Telling me that cover story seemed to cause Carlisle physical pain. He looked sick. It seemed have the same effect on everyone else too. Jasper looked absolutely miserable, feeling his own pain and the pain of everyone else. I swallowed my own urge to sob. I couldn't bear to make poor Jasper feel even worse. Deep inside me though, my already broken heart was ground down into coarse powder.

"As for our choice of residence, Bella," Carlisle said once he'd collected himself, "that is related to what's happening with the pack. Only a couple of the wolves stayed behind in La Push. The reservation is certainly not vulnerable; three more boys turned into wolves while you were unconscious. All the others left to pursue Victoria, Sam and Jacob both among them. Their mental connection to each other can be maintained over vast distances, you see. They'd only ever stretched it over three hundred miles before, but they surpassed that mark yesterday and the connection is still intact. The faction of the pack that left has been updating the group in La Push, and they've been calling us every day to keep us posted…" My confusion must have shown in my face. Carlisle looked at me like he was surprised that I was missing some very obvious point.

"If the pack can corner Victoria, they're going to try to force her back this way," Carlisle explained. "In that event, the wolves still in La Push will not go to intercept her. The pack is bound to protect their land. Some wolves must always remain on the reservation. If Sam, Jacob, and the others can force Victoria back this way, we will go intercept her and fight her with the wolves. That is why we must stay here, at least for now. The wolves need a definitive location to herd Victoria to, if they can manage it." Anxiety and fear twisted my empty stomach. This was too much. Victoria had already killed one of us! I wanted to avenge Edward too, but I was terrified of losing anyone else to the ruthless nomad.

"Bella, we'll be fine," Jasper said, sending another wave of calm my way. "Edward faced her alone. She won't stand a chance against all of us together."

"Any more questions, Bella?" Esme asked, trying to change the subject. I shook my head.

"Then we should probably take you hunting," Jasper said. "You must be unbearably thirsty." That one threw me. Things like thirst and hunting hadn't even crossed my mind. Once I thought about it, I noticed my throat felt raw and dry. There was a steady burning sensation inside my throat that wouldn't let up. It was burning pretty badly, but I wouldn't call it unbearable. I shook my head again. Jasper looked thunderstruck.

"What?" He asked incredulously, "You aren't thirsty?" Head movements really weren't the best form of communication. I started writing again.

I am thirsty, I think. My throat is burning and it feels really dry, but it's not unbearable. I didn't even notice it at all before you mentioned it.

Jasper's eyes were wide with disbelief as he read my written response. His eyes flashed back up to me and he looked somewhat disturbed as he looked me over appraisingly. After a moment, his eyes settled on mine in a way that told me he wasn't looking me in the eye, but at my eyes. I frowned at him, confused.

Wait, what do my eyes look like? They aren't gold like yours, are they?

I had only seen one of the newborns up close: Riley. The young male that had come up the mountain with Victoria. His eyes had been bright scarlet, brighter than even the reddest eyes I'd ever seen on older vampires. Were mine that red too? Jasper shook his head slowly.

Alice and Rosalie both darted off. When they came back into the room, about seven seconds later, Rosalie was carrying an enormous mirror I vaguely remembered seeing in her room before. All those human memories, though… They were there, but it was as if they were shrouded in fog. I remembered everything, but the images in my head were muddy and discolored. I remembered Rosalie telling me that she thought about her human memories often after her change, so she could hold onto them. I would have to follow that example. I didn't want to lose one minute of those precious human memories. I didn't want to forget one moment I had with Edward… Rosalie and Alice held the giant mirror up in front of me then, and I tensed in shock and alarm. Jasper tensed too, and he stepped a little closer to me.

My eyes were even brighter red than Riley's had been. It almost looked like hot magma was swirling on the surface of my eyes. They were a frightening, glowing crimson. It wasn't just my eyes either. My entire body looked so different! I could still see a little of my old self, but it took close inspection to notice. My dark, long, heavy hair was even more voluminous and it was shinier than before. Pale as my skin had been as a human, it was a couple shades lighter. All of my scars except the bite scar from James were gone. The curves of my hips and bust weren't larger, but they were slightly more defined. I looked pretty. I had to admit it. I even looked graceful, standing still as I was. The eyes, though…

"Drinking animal blood will dilute the color faster," Carlisle said soothingly, sensing my distress even without Jasper's help. "Your eyes will gradually fade to a dark red, then to amber, then gold. As long as you don't slip up, the color should dim to amber fairly quickly. It will take a few months for the color to become as gold as ours." Months?And that's only if I don't slip up? I had no intention of ever feeding on human blood, of course, but the thought still troubled me. Then I remembered Jasper.

Jasper was still tense beside me, waiting for me to snap, ready to intervene if necessary. I reined in my anxiety as well as I could. That didn't seem to make him feel any better. If anything, he was growing more disturbed by my behavior every second. I didn't know what to say to him, not that I could speak at all. I jotted down another note, trying to lighten the mood around me.

The thirst is bearable. The color of my eyes isn't. Let's go hunt.

Emmett laughed. Rosalie smiled at me. Jasper's expression didn't change.

"Jasper and I will go with you, Bella," Alice said. "We'll show you what to do. Come on." Alice flitted over to the largest window in the office then, and she pushed it open. She gracefully leapt out and landed lightly on the ground two floors below. I was sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Jasper finally smiled, amused by my reaction.

"It's okay, Bella, it's easy," he said. "Running, jumping, hunting–those things are instinctual. They all come naturally." I was still looking at the window warily. Jasper laughed softly and took one of my hands, pulling me closer to the open window. "Watch me now, Bella," he said. I watched very closely.

It certainly looked easy. Jasper simply stepped out of the window like he was stepping out of a bus. He fell to the ground and easily landed on his feet with a light thud. He and Alice both looked back up at me expectantly. I dropped the notepad I was still holding on the floor and took an unnecessary deep breath, then I stepped out into the open air.

'Easy' was an understatement. Though I was sure I was falling through the air quickly, it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. The ground came up to meet me at a snail's pace. It was ridiculously easy to plant my feet on the ground just right. For a fleeting moment, I felt happy and excited. I looked around for Edward, to see what he thought of my feat… Then I remembered there was no Edward. I felt someone stab an ice pick through my chest and I couldn't breathe. I didn't need to breathe of course, but I still felt a little dizzy.

"Bella!" Jasper's voice whipped. He was right in front of me, his hands on my arms. A wave of peace and tranquility washed over me, and I was able to breathe again. I tried to get control over my emotions, looking up at Jasper apologetically.

"Are you okay, Bella?" He asked, "What happened?" I frowned at him. "Oh…" He said, realizing his mistake, "Right. You can't answer that." He let go of me and stepped back.

"She'll be fine, Jazz," Alice said confidently. "She's going to bag her first mountain lion today. I can see it." Alice smiled encouragingly at me. I tried to smile back.

"Okay, next lesson, Bella," Jasper said methodically, almost sounding like Carlisle. That made smiling a little easier. "Jumping over the river."

"Me first!" Alice called. She was already running toward the wide river. It had to be about fifty feet wide at the point she approached, but she easily cleared the distance. Alice pushed off from the ground just a foot away from the water and she soared through the air, throwing in a midair spin for effect. She landed on a tree branch on the other side of the river, turning around to smile back at me.

"Ladies first," Jasper said, gesturing for me to go ahead of him. I didn't miss the slightly taunting smile that flickered across his face. I faced the river and took off running. I got there much faster than Alice had. It was surely my newborn strength that made my bounds so effortlessly long and powerful. I was still about three feet away from the water's edge when I bent my knees a little deeper and pushed off from the ground. I was flying.

Forget fifty feet, I flew double that distance, soaring past Alice's tree perch. I landed on a tree branch too, about twenty feet above the ground. I heard Alice and Jasper both running after me, speeding along the forest floor. They both came to an abrupt halt when they reached my tree and they stared up at me. Jasper looked impressed. Alice beamed at me. When I didn't move for a moment, Jasper smiled.

"We don't need to go over how to get down again, do we?" He asked. I felt a strange need to growl at him, but I couldn't muster up such a sound. I settled for hopping easily to the ground and sticking my tongue out at him. Alice snickered.

"Okay, focus," Alice said. "Hunting is really simple once you give yourself over to it. It's all instinct. Just let all your senses take over. For starters, close your eyes and smell. What do you smell here?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, smelling the air around me. The strongest scents were from my immediate surroundings: the trees, the dirt, the moss, the rocks, the ferns… Alice and Jasper… Alice smelled wonderful, but not in a way that made my thirst flare. She smelled like violets and sunrise, lightly-sweet and beautiful. Then there was Jasper… Something about his scent was so comforting and… intoxicating. He smelled like sandalwood and rain. There was something else, too… something lush and green, like aloe. Sandalwood, rain, and aloe. It was fantastic.

The next smell that I noticed was foul by comparison, but my mind registered it as edible. It smelled like pitch, resin, and salt. It vaguely reminded me of the smell of hot, freshly-poured asphalt. The heat was what made it appealing. I automatically focused my hearing in the direction of the smell.

There was a soft, thrumming heartbeat. The sound of thick, wet blood washing through the animal's veins made my throat burn a little more in anticipation. I had to go get it. My body tensed without my really thinking about it, and I was off.

As I ran, I focused on little else beyond my prey. My mind had much more room than it did as a human though, and a small part was still able to wander. A muddy memory came to mind: the first time Edward ran with me. I had been worried about him hitting trees. I finally saw what he meant about that not being an issue. Though I was tearing through the woods with incredible speed, I could make out the delicate curve of every leaf on every tree. Hitting them was truly not a worry at all.

When the memory of Edward clawed at fragmented pieces of my cold heart, I shook it from my mind and tried to remain focused on the hunt. That was when I realized I couldn't hear Jasper and Alice behind me anymore. I heard nothing to tell me they were even in the forest with me, not until…

"Bella!" Alice suddenly screamed from somewhere far behind me. The moment I heard her, the wind shifted, and I smelled something far more appealing than pitch and resin. It smelled like warm rhubarb compote and fresh strawberries. It made my mouth water. I started to change course, my thirst having escalated to a full-blown bonfire in my throat. A second later, I realized what I was smelling: human.

Instantly, my mind was warring with my instinct to feed. The blood smelled so good, but I couldn't have it. No, I wouldn't have it. It was a human! It was a person, maybe someone I knew! I was not going to kill them!

I held my breath and turned around.

I ran even harder than before, back in the general direction of the house. I had to get away from that human scent. After a few seconds, I heard Alice's voice again. She gasped."Bella! Jasper, this way! She's over here!" A second later, I could hear them running toward me. I didn't stop running. Alice and Jasper were somewhere ahead of me, coming toward me. I would either pass them or run right into them. I wasn't going to stop running. Just as I expected, a few seconds later, I ran into them... Technically, Jasper ran into me.

Jasper tackled me and pinned me to the forest floor, pinning my arms above my head. I instinctively felt the urge to throw him off of me, and I knew that would be very easy for me to do, but I fought the urge down with some effort. "Jasper, it's okay," Alice said, coming into view a little behind him. "Look, Jazz, she isn't even fighting you. She isn't breathing. She came across the scent of the human I saw, but she held her breath and ran away."

"How?!" Jasper growled back at her. "How did she break off mid-hunt like that?" He spoke to Alice, but his eyes never left my face. He looked more disturbed than ever. It seemed I was going to be a perpetual disappointment to him. "Bella," he growled lowly at me, "How did you do that? Why did you do that? Alice saw you crossing the scent of a human. You were completely in your hunting mode and you smelled a human. Alice and I had fallen too far behind you; we couldn't have stopped you. We erred horribly, not expecting you to go so far away from us. We didn't believe you could possibly run across humans so far out here, but… How, Bella?"

"Jasper, she can't talk, remember?" Alice said gently. "And you're still holding her arms." Jasper blinked. He looked down at me thoughtfully for a moment, then he released me. He moved off me and stood up, his eyes never leaving me. While Jasper and Alice watched me, I scraped at the earth beside me with my hand and clawed away the top layer, giving myself a clean canvas of fresh dirt to write in. I sat up slowly, watching Jasper closely. When neither he nor Alice moved to stop me, I used my fingernails to scratch what I wanted to say into the dirt.

I could hear that I'd lost you two. I heard Alice call my name, but I'd already caught the scent of the human. I realized it had to be a human, and I knew I had to stop. I had already begun running toward them, but I couldn't stand the thought of hurting someone, so I held my breath and ran away.

Alice was looking down at me in wonder while Jasper looked… sick.

"That's it?" He spoke so softly, I wasn't sure if he was really asking me or talking to himself. His expression was pained as he looked down at me. I didn't understand why he looked so hurt… so disgusted. Then I realized he wasn't disgusted with me.

I clapped my hands together to reclaim his attention, then I clawed another message in the dirt.

You didn't hunt the human either, Jasper.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. I suddenly felt very guilty and ashamed. His emotions, not mine. "Bella, I didn't smell the human! I was never close enough! You'd left us far behind, Bella. I didn't get anywhere near the human! Worse is the fact that I hadn't given myself over to the hunt as thoroughly as you had. I was too concerned with finding you. That probably wouldn't have helped me, because I wasn't focused on restraining myself! If I had come across the scent that you did, that human..." He clenched his jaw, not finishing that sentence. "Yet here you are, telling me you kept yourself from hunting the human because 'you couldn't stand the thought of hurting someone.' You're a newborn! You're as newborn as it gets! You're barely two hours old! You shouldn't have this kind of control!"

I felt immense self-loathing that did not belong to me as Jasper towered over me. I tensed, preparing to retaliate.

"No, Bella!" Alice scolded. I blinked, as did Jasper. Jasper looked over my defensive position then, and the terrible emotions quickly left me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said softly. "Please forgive me. I lost control of my power, I'm sorry." A wave of calm hit me and I relaxed a little.

"Well, at least you drew one newborn reaction out of her," Alice said kindly to Jasper, trying to make light of the situation. "She was about to attack you for doing that." Jasper frowned at her, not finding relief in that fact at all. I clapped my hands together again, and I drew my finger through a fresh patch of dirt.

I'm sorry I nearly attacked you, Jasper. I was worried about all the newborn problems you all warned me about. Maybe that's what's making the difference? I chose this. Not in the way it happened, but I chose it. I prepared myself for it ahead of time. Maybe that's making it easier for me. I'm really sorry it's upsetting you.

Jasper came forward and stepped in what I'd written. "Don't apologize to me, Bella," he said softly. "Please, don't." He extended a hand to help me up. Though I certainly didn't need the assistance, I accepted it, laying my hand in his and letting him pull me to my feet. I felt his chagrin and sadness when I took his hand, followed by several similar emotions when he didn't immediately let go of my hand. "If you had attacked me, it would have been well deserved. I forgot myself, and I was much too harsh with you. I'm very sorry for that. It's true that I am very surprised and confused by your behavior, but I'm not upset with you. My own insecurities are to blame here. You're handling everything remarkably well, and I think your theory may have something to it.

"It could very well be that your prior understanding and preparation is helping you now. For that matter, another factor aiding you may be what happened to…" Edward. I knew the word he hesitated to say. I felt peace and love come through our joined hands while his eyes looked into mine apologetically. I swallowed the sob that tried to break through my composure and nodded, encouraging him to continue. "Perhaps losing him is somehow strengthening your control," He said. "Similarly to how he made himself think of Carlisle when he first encountered your scent, perhaps his memory gives you strength." I nodded again. I thoroughly agreed with that theory. Edward had been so afraid of turning me into a vampire… into a monster. I always argued that I would be fine. I would never forgive myself for breaking that promise to him.

For a long moment, Jasper and I stared at each other. For some reason, neither of us stepped back. Neither of us broke contact. He was still holding one of my hands and I wasn't pulling it away. He'd stopped feeding me emotions. We were just standing there. We finally broke apart when Alice spoke.

"So, Bella, my vision changed," she said brightly. "I don't see you catching your first mountain lion anymore." She spoke as if she'd already forgotten why her vision changed. She was speaking and acting like there had been no human, like nothing had happened at all. "There's a herd of elk nearby if you want to try for that instead?" She asked me. Something changed then. Something big. I was unaware of what had caused it, but it was like a switch went off inside me.

I thought of Edward again. I thought of how mountain lion had been his favorite animal to hunt. I thought of how he moved somewhat like a lion. I remembered that first run, again… The meadow… Our first kiss… The first time I saw him… The way he'd looked at me with such hate-filled eyes... I remembered him stopping the van, and the first time he brought me to meet the rest of his family, now my family... The baseball game… James… Edward leaving me… All the Cullens leaving me… Laurent… The wolves… Jacob… Volterra and the Volturi… Victoria… All the cloudy human memories flooded my mind and the emotions Jasper had been waiting for finally flowed free. I couldn't stop them.

Suddenly, I was back on the ground, as was Jasper. I had my arms tightly wrapped around my torso, almost too tightly. I was physically hurting myself with my own newborn strength, but I didn't really care. The physical pain distracted me from some of the emotional pain. I realized that was the reason Jasper was on the ground too. I could see a shadow of the immense pain I felt reflected in his face. He was fighting it, trying to force it away from himself. "Alice, go get help," he managed to gasp, still curled up on the ground in agony. Alice was gone before he got the whole sentence out.

Seeing the pain I was inflicting on Jasper with my emotions only made me feel worse. I tried to get control of them again, but to no avail. The dam that had been keeping all this grief in was broken, and there was nothing I could do but let the water flow out. I was helpless to save myself from it, so I was helpless to spare him from it. Thankfully, others came to pull him out of the flood. Alice returned three minutes after she left us. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie were all with her.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper out of here," Carlisle instructed calmly, always the cool voice of reason. "He needs to get away from Bella." I watched as Rosalie helped Emmett lift Jasper onto his broad shoulders. He flinched at the physical contact. I realized just how hard Jasper was fighting to control his power. He wasn't able to relieve himself of my emotions, but he was struggling to not project them onto anyone else. His physical contact with Emmett was making that task even more difficult. It made me feel absolutely wretched. I flinched when Jasper whimpered at that new emotion. Emmett took off quickly after that, Rosalie following behind him.

Carlisle bent down and lifted me into his own arms. "It's okay, Bella," he spoke soothingly, though his expression was pained. "Letting yourself grieve may help you. You might get your voice back, if you can work through this. I'm afraid Jasper won't be able to help you very much." I turned my face into Carlisle's chest and shook with my disturbingly quiet, dry sobs. I felt him turn and start running then, carrying me back home. I heard Esme and Alice running along beside us.

I couldn't stop looking through all those memories. Each memory was another blow, another stab to my shattered heart and anything else that was left of me, but I couldn't make the flood stop. I almost longed for the burning again. The flames really weren't much worse than the flooding water. Burning wasn't much worse than drowning. Either way, everything hurt.

I was too far gone in my grief by the time Carlisle got me home. I was only vaguely aware of him carrying me up to what used to be Edward's room. I heard a short exchange between him and Esme.

"His room? Do you think that's wise?"

"I think it's the only way. She needs him right now. Any part of him we can give her."

"I suppose so. Oh, Bella…" I heard Esme sob softly.

Carlisle put me down on the bed in Edward's room. I instantly curled up on my side, holding myself a little too tightly again. "We're all right here for you, Bella," he said softly, stroking my wind-blown hair lightly. "We'll help you get through this. If you need us, just make noise any way you can and we'll be here." I tried to nod my understanding. I wasn't sure if I succeeded or not. Either way, Carlisle leaned down to kiss my forehead gently, and then he was gone.

I wasn't really sure how long I stayed like that, silently sobbing on the bed. Though my mind certainly had the capacity to keep precise track of time, the effort seemed pointless to me. I didn't really want to know how much time was passing. It only reminded me of why Victoria had done this to me. I didn't use my sharp vision to look out the windows at night. I didn't try to learn the smells of the house and the other vampires in it. I didn't use my acute hearing to listen to what anyone in the house was saying, and I still couldn't speak. After a long period of time, one conversation finally caught my attention. It was coming from outside. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle were talking on the front porch, down on the first floor. I assumed Esme and Alice were hunting.

"Carlisle, it's been a week," Jasper was saying concernedly. "She didn't really get a chance to hunt that first day either. After she stopped herself from hunting that human, everything turned into a downward spiral…"

"Jasper, there was nothing you could have done," Carlisle said wearily, his tone suggesting he'd already repeated those words several times. "We were all surprised she held out as long as she did, you especially."

"It's not just that one incident, Carlisle," Jasper continued. "I was barely able to go anywhere near her for the first three days. Even when I could get close enough to try affecting her, I was scarcely able to calm her enough that she wasn't breaking herself in two with her own strength!"

"Stop complaining, Jasper!" Rosalie snapped. Jasper growled at her and she hissed back. "At least you did a lot to help her while she was human. I was wretched to her."

"Still can't stop belittling the troubles of others, can you?" Jasper hissed back venomously.

"That's enough, you two," Carlisle scolded firmly. "We're all upset right now, but lashing out at each other won't help."

"It's okay, Rose," Emmett said comfortingly. "You know Bella's never been one to hold grudges. She's quick to forgive. We'll fix all this." That was too much. I was upsetting my family. I had to say something.

"Of course I forgive you, Rosalie."

Rosalie, Jasper, Carlisle, and Emmett were all standing around my bed two seconds later. I blinked and sat up slowly, as surprised as they were that I had spoken.

"Bella?" Rosalie asked tentatively. "Did you say something?" I looked at her and nodded. Carlisle smiled involuntarily at my mute response.

"Bella, try speaking again," he encouraged. I decided to try repeating the same line.

"Of course I forgive you, Rosalie," I said to her, then she was on the bed hugging me.

"Thank you, Bella," she said ardently. "I'm so sorry for how I treated you." She pulled away from me and I looked at Jasper next.

"You really did do so much for me, Jasper," I said to him. I blinked at the sound of my bell-like voice. It sounded strange to me, but there was more I had to say. "Carlisle's right, there was nothing you could have done to stop what happened in the forest. I felt terrible seeing how much I was hurting you with my emotions. Honestly, I'm glad you had so much trouble affecting me this past week. If you'd been more successful, you probably would've stayed closer. I'm glad you didn't stay close enough for me to keep hurting you. Um… are you okay now?" Jasper smiled warmly, if a little incredulously at me.

"Of course I'm okay, Bella," he said. "You're still hurting some, I can feel that, but you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. Relief is overpowering anything else right now."

"Bella!" Alice's voice suddenly cried from downstairs. "You're talking!" She and Esme came running into the room. They both hugged me fiercely, nearly knocking Rosalie out of the way in their haste. Alice was beaming and Esme looked like she'd be crying tears of joy if she could.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're okay," Esme wailed, refusing to let go of me for a good minute or so. "It's been so long. We thought…"

"I'm fine, Mom," I said softly. Esme literally squealed with delight at the name. "Fine enough, at least. I could really use a shower and a change of clothes, though. Then I think I need to hunt." Everyone around me nodded in agreement and I climbed off the bed, only to be grabbed by Emmett. He pulled my clean off the floor into a fierce bear hug.

"We're gonna take care of you, little sis," he said, "you'll see." Jasper and Carlisle took their turns hugging me once Emmett put me down, then Alice and Rosalie dragged me off to one of the large bathrooms in the house.

The girls gave me some privacy so I could shower, but I could still hear them going over what clothes to give me and what to do with my hair. Apparently, it would take a little work to break them of the Bella-Barbie habit. I pulled off my dirty clothes and I looked myself over in the mirror for a moment.

Standing naked in the flattering light in the bathroom, I once again had to admit I looked pretty, even with my hair as messy as it was. My skin looked flawless, save for the one scar on my right hand. My eyes looked much better. Odd, considering how they would have looked after a week of sobbing as a human. Carlisle had told me the red color would dilute faster if I only drank animal blood. He hadn't factored in not hunting at all for my first week as a newborn vampire. My eyes were a dark, dim, muddy red. They weren't black with my thirst. I guessed that all of my own blood had to be completely cleared out of my system before I would see that color variance.

When I got out of the shower, Rosalie and Alice lost the last of their patience with me and barged in. Once they'd wrestled me into another sweater dress, this one a pretty plum color, Alice darted off to talk to Jasper about something while Rosalie attacked my hair. She blow dried it impatiently. My long, heavy hair took a long time to dry, and there were some things vampires just couldn't speed up. I was grateful that she kept the styling simple. She just let it hang down, only pulling a few strands away from my face and securing them to the back of my head with a jeweled barrette. When Rosalie finished and Alice hadn't returned, I got a little worried. She wasn't still talking to Jasper, was she?

"Where's Alice?" I asked Rosalie. She smiled at me.

"She probably decided her newly durable doll didn't have enough clothes to choose from," she said. I groaned. "None of that now," Rosalie said. "You know how much she loved it before. Now it's a coping mechanism for her. It's called retail therapy. You have heard of that, haven't you?" Rosalie's voice was playfully; she really wanted to make amends. I smiled at her and rolled my eyes. She laughed.

I was ready to go, but for some reason I felt the need to go back to Edward's room before I went hunting. It wasn't until I was in the room that my goal became clear to me. I pulled open the top drawer of the nightstand by the bed and pushed aside a loose sheet of paper lying inside. I grabbed the little black ring box out of the drawer and opened it. The engagement ring Edward had given to me glittered inside. His mother's ring. The ring he'd intended for me to wear forever, that I'd only ever worn for a few seconds. I pulled it out of the box and slipped it onto my left hand. A perfect fit, just as it had been on that wonderful day I'd spent alone with him. It was strange to think it had been less than two weeks ago.

"Bella?" Jasper was suddenly standing behind me. "Are you okay?" I turned to face him and his eyes zeroed in on the ring on my finger. "Oh," he said. He stepped forward and took my left hand, squeezing lightly so I felt the ring press into my stone finger. "He'll always be with you, Bella," he said softly. "He said he would love you forever, and he will. Whether or not you can see him doesn't change that." I threw myself at Jasper and hugged him tightly. He shifted uncomfortably after a moment.

"Bella?" He said, "Too tight… Ow."

"Oops!" I gasped, pulling away from him quickly and locking my arms behind my back. I remembered something he'd told everyone while training them to fight the newborns: don't let them get their arms around you. I was too strong. I would have to be more careful. Jasper smiled wryly at me.

"That's okay, Bella," he said kindly. "Are you ready to hunt? Alice told me I should be the one to take you."

"Sure," I said. "Um… Give me just another minute? I'll be right down."

"Of course," Jasper said, smiling and leaving the room quickly. I listened to his footsteps as he walked down to wait for me in the living room.

I looked at the ring on my finger again, twisting my hand from side to side so it glittered in the light of the room. I sighed and turned to put the ring box back in the nightstand drawer. That was when I got a better look at the piece of paper I'd pushed aside before. I picked it up. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. It was a note... in Edward's elegant handwriting.

Dearest Bella,

I am so very sorry for the pain our parting has caused you. I'm glad you are on the mend, even if the process is slow. Please be well, my Bella. That is all I can ask of you right now. I am sorry things had to be this way, but I assure you, you will be okay. Take care of my family, Bella. Know that they all love you dearly, and that you all belong together, even in my own absence. Now go hunting, Bella. You need it.

Forever yours,

Edward.

P.S. I love you.


	3. The Meadow

I was frozen as I stared at the letter. For several seconds I didn't move at all, not even when I heard Jasper come into the room again.

"Bella?" He asked from a few feet behind me. "You were taking a while, and then I felt… Bella, what's wrong?" Without turning to face Jasper, I made my arm move. I held the letter out to him and let my arm fall back to my side as soon as he took it. He gasped when he saw the handwriting. It only took him one second to read the letter, and then his hands were on my arms.

"Bella, say something," Jasper ordered as he pulled me around to face him. "Anything. Say something right now, Bella."

"Edward," I whimpered the name. "How? I don't…" Wave after wave of ease and serenity poured into me from where Jasper's hands were still on my arms, the letter having been dropped on the floor. "I don't understand," I managed to continue speaking under his influence. "How could he have…? He knows he's gone. He knows I haven't hunted. But he still wrote… How?" Sheer agony ripped at the hole in my chest, despite Jasper. This was all so wrong. Why was this happening? I was sure my heart would be pounding against my rib cage, were I still human. I couldn't understand…

Jasper suddenly pulled me into a tight hug. I tensed for a moment, surprised, and I started to pull away. Jasper's hold on me tightened. "Don't fight me, Bella," he ordered. "Relax." That was when it hit: calm, ease, peace, happiness, love, joy, giddiness, serenity, contentment… Every positive emotion Jasper could push into me was pouring into my body from every angle. That's why he was hugging me. Physical contact made his influence stronger, and he was in physical contact with as much of my body as he could manage at once. His head even rested atop mine as he held me fast. He was focusing the full power of his gift on me, and I gasped at the magnitude of it.

"Jasper, what the heck?!" Emmett was suddenly standing in the doorway behind Jasper, looking mildly agitated but also giddy… Oh. Jasper was focusing his power on me, but it was bleeding out into the rest of the house too, affecting everyone. Rosalie appeared less than a millisecond after Emmett, and she was followed by Carlisle and Esme. Alice didn't show up, but she was out shopping. Jasper didn't release me.

"Jasper, what happened?" Carlisle asked. Jasper didn't answer. He was focusing all his power and energy on me. All the positive emotions continued to pound into me. I tried to answer Carlisle, gasping for unnecessary air as I fought through the flood of emotions to find my voice.

"The letter," I gasped. "The floor." Coherent speech was impossible, but I tried my best. Jasper growled and I realized my struggle to speak to Carlisle counted as 'fighting him'. I gave up my struggle and let his power completely envelope me again. Jasper held me for another ten seconds before, with a frustrated sigh, he released me.

I looked up at Jasper, confused by his clearly evident frustration as he stepped away from me. He turned to look at the rest of our family, and I saw the problem: Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie all looked crestfallen and confused. Jasper was outnumbered. Everyone around him was hurting too much for him to keep up. I grabbed Jasper's hand and pulled him toward Edward's window. He came along willingly enough.

"Jasper and I are going hunting," I announced to Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. Jasper jumped out the window even as I spoke. "Show Alice the letter when she gets back." I jumped out the window without looking back at my family. I needed some space, as did Jasper. I didn't want to see the way they were all surely looking at me.

Jasper and I both took off running as soon as I landed on the ground beside him. Neither of us said a word. We just ran. I had to focus on not going too fast as I tried to keep pace with Jasper. I didn't want to lose him in the woods again. I wanted to stay with him. I didn't focus on where I was going, letting him lead. After about four minutes, we stopped in the middle of a meadow… Edward's meadow.

"I wasn't sure where to go," Jasper said softly, apologetically. "We don't have to stay here if you don't want to. We can go somewhere else. I just thought you might want a moment, before we really hunt."

"It's okay, Jasper," I spoke softly as well. "Here is fine… Thank you."

"Edward told us he brought you here before," Jasper said. I nodded.

"This was where I first saw him in the sunlight," I said. "Our first kiss was nearby, too. Of course…" I wasn't sure I should tell Jasper what else had happened to me in this meadow. It might make him feel even worse for bringing me here.

"Of course what, Bella?" Jasper prodded. I let out a resigned sigh.

"This is also where Laurent tried to kill me when you were gone, and where I first saw the wolves." Jasper let out a low growl and I turned to face him. He looked furious. With himself or Laurent, it was difficult to tell.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said without relaxing his tightly clenched jaw. "I shouldn't have brought you here. I didn't know." I couldn't let him beat himself up again.

"After all of you left…" That was all I managed to get out before the hole in my chest seared with pain. Jasper immediately hit me with a wave of serenity, though he looked alarmed. At least that anger was gone. I found a thick patch of wildflowers and sat down among them. I only had to look up at Jasper and he did the same, sitting close beside me. "I don't know what Edward or Alice told you. I never really gave either of them the whole story, but… Starting a few months after Edward left, I kind of went looking for trouble. Danger is really the better word for it. When I did something dangerous or stupid, or when I went somewhere that reminded me of Edward, I would… well, I'd hallucinate, I guess. I would hear his voice in my head, as if he was standing right beside me again. As if he never left.

"I'm glad you brought me here, Jasper," I said. "It's kind of like it was back then. I can't hear his voice like I did then, but… I still have a sense of him here. More so, actually. When I came here while you were gone, I couldn't really feel much of him here, but I do now… I can't explain it properly. It almost feels like he's listening to me… like he's here with us right now… I can feel him, Jasper." A soft sob escaped me and Jasper wrapped his arm around me again. I turned and buried my face in his shoulder. "I want to stay here forever, just to feel like he's here with me, but when I chased those hallucinations before, I ended up jumping off a cliff. This is the thirst I can't fight. This is what burns. I know it's unhealthy, but I'm addicted to this place, because I can feel him here... and now he's somehow writing me letters. Am I going crazy? Was that letter even real? None of this makes sense!"

"Shh…" Jasper murmured, stroking my hair. "It's okay, Bella. Shh… Yes, that letter was real. We all saw it. You aren't going crazy; you're abnormally stable for a newborn. We'll try to make what sense we can of all this. We all will. We'll help you. I'll help you… I'll always be here for you, Bella." Jasper hugged me tighter and I found myself clinging to him, grabbing handfuls of his long-sleeved shirt until the sound of fabric tearing reminded me to loosen my grip.

"Sorry," I murmured, pushing myself away from him a little. That was when the sun made an appearance.

I gasped when the sunlight touched my skin, making it sparkle. I pushed up the long sleeves of my sweater dress, exposing more skin to the light. It was surreal and spectacular, even while it made my heart ache. It was in this meadow that I had first witnessed this phenomenon—Edward's beautiful, prismatic skin… Now mine was sparkling too. I gasped again when I noticed the scar on my right hand—it was so defined! The effect was strange, really. The scarred skin itself looked slightly darker in the sunlight, but it glittered even more than the rest of my skin. It stood out even more than usual as the sun glinted off it. I froze as I remembered Jasper.

If it were possible for me to cry, the sight of Jasper's ravaged skin would have brought tears to my eyes. He still looked beautiful—gorgeous in the sunlight—but his scars were even more defined. Most of his skin was covered by his clothing, but the sunlight shattered off all the scars of his hands, face, and neck. I reached up tentatively to touch the layers of scars on his neck. He didn't move. I ran my glittering fingers over the marks. "Jasper, I'm so sorry," I whispered. "What all those newborns did to you…"

"You're the first newborn to ever react like this," he said wryly. "No teeth, no venom… It's nice." He smiled at me before he added, "Is this what it was like when you first saw Edward in the sun? Hesitant touches and wonder in your eyes?" I smiled back at him.

"Pretty much," I said.

"I don't look as good in the sun as Edward did," Jasper said. "The scars kind of ruin the pretty effect."

"You're beautiful, Jasper," I said reassuringly. "Totally and completely beautiful… My touch probably feels different to you than it did to Edward. I'm not as warm, and I don't smell as good." Jasper laughed.

"You do smell good, Bella," he said. "You smell wonderful, just not edible, and thank god for that! That human you smelled a week ago, Bella… I didn't catch their scent myself, but I can say with confidence that you smelled better when you were human. Your blood only sang to Edward, but you have no idea how sweet it smelled to the rest of us. Emmett was the only one of us who didn't count your blood as the sweetest they'd ever smelled, and that's only because he'd already found his own singer before… and drank from them." I cringed at the image those words brought to my mind, but I was pulled away from those thoughts when Jasper grabbed my left hand, the one without a scar. It confused me at first, but then he ran a finger down my inner forearm, coming to a stop at the tip of my index finger. The glass.

"It was an accident, and it was no more your fault than it was mine," I insisted. "You can say it was your fault for not controlling your thirst, but I can say it was my fault for not being more careful and getting that stupid papercut. I was a klutz as a human and you're an empath; you felt what everyone in that room felt, and I was Edward's singer. It was an accident, nothing more... We can work on it together, alright? I'm starting from the beginning, and you're starting over. Clean slate." Jasper smiled at me, and his sparkling face seemed to light up from within.

"Deal," he said, picking up my right hand for a quick handshake. He turned my hand over in his and he ran a finger along my solitary bite scar, tracing it absently for several seconds.

"Pretty insignificant, compared to all of yours."

"None of mine were inflicted while I was still human, Bella," he said. "I would say that makes your one scar equal about thirty of mine."

"Thirty?" I scoffed. "No way!"

"Twenty?" Jasper offered.

"Jasper! You survived fighting several armies of newborn vampires. I was bitten by one older vampire!"

"Beaten and bitten," Jasper argued. "Fifteen."

"Two!" I retorted.

"Bella," Jasper groaned exasperatedly.

"Fine," I growled. "Five."

"Ten," Jasper said.

"Six," I said.

"Deal," Jasper conceded. "Your one is equal to six of mine."

"Jasper?" I asked, forcing my voice to sound light and innocent. Jasper looked down at me, surprised by the sudden change. I twisted my upper body to face him directly, and with no further warning, I tackled him. Jasper took a moment to react, stunned as he was by my sudden attack, but he regained his composure quickly.

Jasper rolled beneath me, using my strength against me, so I was thrown to the side. I lost my grip on him as he shifted under me, and before I knew it our positions were reversed; I was on the ground and Jasper was on top of me, pinning me down, holding my arms together over my head. I pushed against his hold and broke it. I lifted myself up like I was doing crunches and Jasper fell off me, only to turn and lunge at me from the side. The boom of our collision was only drowned out by our playful growls as I tried to fight him off. He was experienced with fighting newborns though, and I never stood a chance. It only took Jasper a few seconds to pin me again, this time touching his lips to my neck in a mock bite. I froze underneath him and he immediately pulled away.

"What is it, Bella?" He asked. "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?" I didn't answer right away, giving Jasper time to jump to conclusions. "I'm sorry, Bella, I wasn't thinking. You saw Victoria and Edward—of course that would make you remember. Even if you did start it, I should've stopped it." I blinked. I hadn't really been thinking of that, but the reminder sure helped. I fought down a sob that tried to rise from my chest and I pushed the unwanted mental image from my mind.

"It's okay, Jasper," I said, sitting up and facing him. "I wasn't thinking about that. I just…" I wasn't really sure what to say. I wasn't really sure how I felt about what had happened, so I changed the subject. "I was just wondering… How do I smell to you now?" Jasper blinked, surprised.

"Haven't you become familiar with your own scent?" He asked. I frowned. I hadn't thought of it that way.

"I guess not," I said slowly. "This past week, I wasn't really focusing on things like that… scents, sounds… I guess I tuned all of that out for a while there. Should I know my own scent better?" I asked. "I've noticed all of yours by now. Yours and Alice's, especially. You smell like sandalwood, rain, and aloe." Jasper grinned at me and nodded.

"Just try to focus on your own scent, Bella," he encouraged. "Hold your hand up to your face and smell." I did as he instructed, holding my scarred right hand close to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply through my nose. I did that a few times, picking up on new notes each time: Eucalyptus, rain, and smoke… a good kind of smoke… not from cigarettes or vampire-burning fires. It was the kind of smoke you smelled coming from people's chimneys on cold days… It was a comforting smell. I opened my eyes to see Jasper had closed his.

"I smell like rain too," I told him. He nodded without opening his eyes. "And eucalyptus and smoke." I said. Jasper nodded again, finally opening his eyes.

"Like I said, you smell wonderful," he said to me. "I love your scent. It's warm and comforting… inviting, as you are." Jasper smiled at me and I couldn't help but grin back. We sat in silence for a moment, and I watched the sun glitter off our skin for a while longer. Jasper sighed. I met his suddenly incredulous gaze with inquiring eyes.

"Bella, would you please let me show you how to hunt now?" He asked. "I know how difficult it is for me to go a week without hunting, and you're not only a newborn, but you haven't hunted at all since your change. This is getting ridiculous… Besides, Edward told you to hunt in that letter. We'll figure out how he's communicating with you later, but for now we'll just listen to him. Deal?" Jasper extended his right hand to me and I shook it.

"Deal," I grumbled. "Teach me how to hunt, Major Whitlock." Jasper laughed and pulled me up to my feet.

"You know you're supposed to salute a superior officer when addressing them," he teased, releasing my hand. I brought it up to my forehead in a mock salute.

"Yes, Major Whitlock, Sir," I said in a horribly fake Southern accent, trying to sound like one of his soldiers in Texas. "Please teach me how to hunt, Sir." Jasper grinned at me.

"At ease, soldier," he said to me in a perfect Southern accent I had never heard him use before. "I'll teach you to hunt, then we'll work on that accent." I burst out laughing.

"I never heard you use that accent before," I said in my normal voice. Jasper shrugged.

"I'm used to concealing it by now," he said, still letting his accent come through. "It's been almost two centuries since I was a human in Texas. Since I joined the Cullen family, I've been pretending to be Rosalie's twin; she doesn't have an accent. Not using it just makes everything a little easier."

"I like it," I said. "And we're not in contact with any humans, now…"

"I suppose letting it slip can't hurt," Jasper agreed.

"And you just told me you'll help me work on my accent," I reminded him. "Hearing yours more often will probably help." I smiled at Jasper and he grinned back at me.

"Probably so, Ma'am," he said in an undeniably sexy Southern drawl. "So, shall we go hunt?" He held out his arm for me and I took it gently.

"Yes, we shall," I tried to mimic his accent again, failing miserably. Jasper just laughed as he led me out of the meadow… and for a moment, I could've sworn I heard Edward laughing too.


	4. In Grief, There's Levity

When Jasper and I were finished massacring a herd of five elk, I stood up straight to survey the damage… and I don't mean the elk.

Jasper still looked perfect, of course. His hair was a little messier than usual, but with those curls it was difficult to notice such minimal damage. Other than that, he looked just as he had back in the meadow. His clothes were clean and completely intact, except for the small tear I'd accidentally made in his shirt earlier. My appearance, however… Well, Jasper sure thought it was funny.

"What did I do wrong?" I grumbled as Jasper choked down his laughter.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," he said reassuringly. "You're young. Hunting is instinctual, but hunting neatly takes practice. You'll learn."

"I hope I learn soon," I groaned as one of my tattered sleeves gave up and just fell off. The once purple sweater dress I wore was a dark burgundy color, every bit of it blood-stained. Rips and tears varying in size peppered the dress. Somehow, I'd managed to lose my shoes entirely. "Alice is going to kill me if I keep this up."

"Don't worry, I'll keep her off you," Jasper laughed, pushing aside the carcass of one of my kills and grabbing one of my missing shoes from under it. "We can probably convince Emmett to help too, if you're really afraid." The teasing tone of Jasper's voice was completely unfiltered as he spoke. I growled at him, but his smile just got wider as the joke continued. "Really, Bella, trying to figure out what to expect from you is a full-time job. When you were human, you spent almost all your time with vampires and werewolves and you so rarely showed even an ounce of fear. Now you're a newborn vampire, and you're afraid of Alice."

"Right, you'll protect me," I countered, heavy on the sarcasm. "I seem to remember even you couldn't beat Alice during those training fights." That wiped the smug smile off Jasper's face. For a moment.

"You really shouldn't have said that," he playfully growled, slipping into a crouch as he faced me. I didn't even try to defend myself, stunned as I was by the sudden, uncomfortable sense of déjà vu that hit me even harder than Jasper did. Just as he had back in the meadow, Jasper pulled away from me as soon as he realized I'd shut down. "Bella?" His voice was concerned but still sharp, demanding a response. I blinked a couple times and took an unneeded deep breath.

"It's nothing," I promptly lied, pushing myself back to my feet. Jasper deliberately hit me with an excessively strong wave of trust. "Fine," I growled, suddenly belligerent, "I was thinking of Edward. He said that same thing to me before. He did that same thing to me before. The day he brought me to the house for the first time, I told him he wasn't as scary as he thought he was and he did exactlywhat you just did. He said, 'you really shouldn't have said that,' and he sprang at me. As I was still human then, he had me pinned just as easily."

When Jasper didn't respond for a moment, I was able to calm down on my own, and I looked up at him to see his hands clenched into fists at his sides and his head hanging down. "I can't seem to do anything right with you, can I?" He murmured softly. "You show incredible control on your first hunt and I practically reprimand you for it. You end up consumed by grief for a week and I barely make a dent in it. I try to bring you to a place where you can find solace and it makes you question your sanity. Twice now we've engaged in play fights, and both times you've completely shut down."

"Jasper, none of that is your fault," I said firmly. "I'm a mess, alright? I really wouldn't blame you if you preferred dealing with normal newborns instead of… well, I'm really at a loss for a fitting name for me right now. I was a crazy human, and I'm a freak show as a vampire. Maybe that's what I carried over into this life. So far, I don't seem to be gifted in any other way… except control, I guess. Is that it? Do you think my control could be some kind of supernatural talent? Not nearly as impressive as what you, Alice, and Edward can do—I mean, what Edward could do, but…"

"It's difficult to say, Bella," Jasper responded thoughtfully. "I really don't know how to answer that. Carlisle will probably be interested in your theory. We probably should be getting back. We left everyone pretty abruptly, earlier. They will be worried about you. We need to clean up our mess here, first." I had completely forgotten about the five dead elk lying motionless around us.

"What do we do with them?" I asked, looking down at my fallen prey. "Do we bury them?"

"Yes," Jasper said, smiling at my effort to understand. "Preferably where surrounding brush is dense, where there's no chance of human hikers finding them." I nodded my understanding and Jasper and I went to work, carrying the amazingly lightweight carcasses of our kills into an area of thick flora and burying them in a matter of minutes. We still hadn't found my second missing shoe by the time the job was done.

"Maybe one of the elk ate it in to spite me?" I grumbled. Jasper laughed.

"They're not as dumb as many humans think they are, but they aren't that smart," he laughed. "Let's see…" I watched Jasper closely as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply a few times, clearly taking in all the surrounding scents. After a couple seconds, his eyes flashed open again and he darted off in the direction of the area where we'd first found the herd. I followed behind him, though I could have easily surpassed him with the sheer strength of my run. Not even a full minute passed before Jasper stopped and pointed up at an overhead tree branch. Somehow, my other shoe was dangling from the narrow tip of the branch.

"How did I manage that?" I laughed. Jasper practically doubled over laughing, seeing that I wouldn't take offense.

"No idea," he gasped between rounds of incredulous laughter. I growled in mock indignation and leapt up to snatch the dangling shoe from its branch. I slipped both of my shoes back on, noting that I didn't really need them. The rocky ground felt like velvet to my bare feet. It didn't bother me in the least. In fact, it felt liberating. Jasper seemed to sense that feeling in me. His laughter subsided and he smiled knowingly at me. His eyes flickered over the rest of my frame. He bit back more laughter at whatever he saw.

"Maybe we should cover you up a little more," he said. "For Alice, at least," he added teasingly. I winced.

"That bad?" I asked. Jasper nodded. In one fluid motion, he pulled off the long-sleeved white shirt he wore over a brown t-shirt. He tossed the outer layer to me and I pulled it on quickly, grateful that I could no longer blush. I would be red as a traffic light, if that were possible. I couldn't I couldn't resist the urge to breathe in his scent. I loved his scent, and mixed with mine... wow. When I looked back up at Jasper, he was rubbing his bare arms as he watched me. I smiled at him and traced the solitary scar on my hand. Jasper smiled faintly back at me.

"Six of mine," he sighed as he watched the line I traced on my own hand. I scowled indignantly at him. I still didn't agree with the result of that debate.

"Carlisle," I murmured, changing the subject. Jasper nodded.

"Alice is probably back by now," he said. "Perhaps she'll have some idea of how that letter came to be. Do you remember how to get back?" Jasper prompted me. I took a moment to think and to find the oldest trail of our combined scents. I nodded once before I started running, careful to moderate my pace so Jasper didn't fall too far behind. We were home five minutes later. Everyone was waiting for us just inside, including Alice.

"Great job, Bella," Alice spoke first. "You did really well for your first hunt." Clearly she'd had a vision. I nodded and smiled half-heartedly at her, waiting for talk about Edward's letter to start. Alice seemed hesitant to make the first move into that subject. Esme ended up speaking first.

"Are you okay, Bella?" She asked, always looking out for her children. "Finding that letter must have been hard for you…"

"I'm doing better now," I tried to reassure her. "Thank you. Jasper and I still haven't been able to make sense of it. Do any of you have an idea of how Edward might have…?" Again, I struggled to speak. It was hard to believe I was actually talking about this, about Edward writing a letter to me when he was…dead. Jasper laid a hand on my shoulder and forced peace and contentment into me. I shook him off.

"Not now, Jasper," I said softly. "Thank you, but… I need to feel what I feel right now. This is already too confusing. I need to control my own emotions for a while." Jasper simply nodded his understanding before turning to Alice.

"Did you see this happening?" He asked her. "Did you see him doing anything like this before the newborns came?" Alice shook her head, her brow furrowed in frustration. She stared at Jasper for a moment, then she looked back at me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she said. "There's nothing I can tell you. Not yet, at least."

"It's okay, Alice," I said. "I didn't really expect you to know anything…" Alice looked at me apologetically before her eyes glazed over. We all waited for her to come out of her vision. Her contrite smile turned to one of interest and excitement as we waited.

"Bella wants to talk about whether or not she has a special talent, Carlisle," Alice said as soon as her eyes refocused. "She came up with some interesting theories while she and Jasper were hunting, but Jasper can fill you in. Bella is mine now." I instantly remembered Jasper's promise to protect me from the little pixie, and I came close to taking him up on it even before she continued. "Just look at how she's dressed! There's even a tear in that shirt Jasper gave her to cover up with! The way she hunts, it's a good thing I just bought her more clothes. Even the load I bought today isn't going to be enough!"

Oh no. Alice wanted to play Bella-Barbie. I quickly weighed my options: I could run away. For once, she wouldn't be able to catch me. I could try to fight her off. Not the best idea. Even Jasper couldn't beat her with her visions helping her, and he was likely to defend her if the newborn freak attacked her. I could take Jasper up on his offer to protect mr from her, possibly getting help from Emmett too. Wasn't he always up for little games like this? My train of thought was cut off by the evil pixie's giggles.

"You do realize I just saw all those decisions you were trying to make, don't you, Bella?" She asked. Oops. "Yes, technically you can run faster than me, but I can see wherever you choose to go. You're right, Jasper would help me if you tried to fight me off, and there's no way you'll win against both of us. As for what Jasper promised you… He'll stand down when I remind him that his torn shirt gives me an excuse to take him shopping, too." Alice looked at Jasper as she practically sang that little threat and he promptly took a step back from me. I glared at his retreating form.

"Sorry, Bella," he half-laughed.

"Coward," I grumbled. Jasper growled and Emmett laughed.

"Take that back," Jasper growled at me.

"Not a chance," I hissed back, shifting my weight slightly so I was prepared if he pounced.

"Isn't twice enough for you two?" Alice whined, bouncing up and down impatiently.

"Twice?" Emmett prodded, instantly intrigued. "Bella's already tried fighting him twice?"

"All in fun," Alice said when Carlisle and Esme suddenly looked worried, "but yes."

"Aw, where's you brotherhood, Jasper?" Emmett groaned. "Share some of the fun. Let me have a go." That one caught me off guard. I instantly straightened up out of my crouch and looked over at Emmett. One look was enough to tell me he was completely serious. He really wanted to try fighting me. I looked back at Alice and she had a wide, smug grin spread across her face. I growled my resentment, but followed her obediently when she turned and pranced up the stairs to her room. Of course she'd seen that coming. She was such a cheater.

I managed to keep my complaints down to a total of four while Alice made me try on nine different outfits. I thought that ratio was acceptable. Once she was done throwing clothes at me, she dragged me into her bathroom to fix my hair. As windblown and tangled as it had been from hunting, trying on all the clothes had made an even bigger mess of it, and Alice wasn't having that. Mercifully, she only insisted on brushing all the knots out. She didn't even make me pin back the front pieces in a barrette again. When I smiled gratefully at her, she winked at me and danced off to find Rosalie, saying something about nude lingerie and stilettos as she disappeared.

Unsure of what else to do, I made my way up to Edward's room… my room. For the first time since my change a week before, I wondered just what I was supposed to do with all the extra time I had. I didn't need sleep, I didn't need to eat often, I didn't need to use the bathroom, and unless I was torn to pieces and burned I would live forever. I couldn't even go kill time at school, because I was supposed to be dead. Carlisle and Esme had even pulled Alice out of Forks High, claiming they would home school her, allowing her to grieve for me and Edward in peace… Wait. How did I know that? Apparently, I did subconsciously retain bits and pieces of what was being said around me during my week of silence.

The second I reached the door to my room, I stopped in my tracks. There was a piece of paper lying on the bed. As soon as I recovered from my brief fit of paralysis, I rushed over to the bed and grabbed the letter. It was incredible that my hands weren't shaking as I held the letter and read it.

To my Bella,

I apologize for all the pain and confusion my first letter caused. Let me explain: I need you to move on, love. I don't want you suffering forever. Not over me. Even when life can go on forever, it is still precious. I didn't believe that before I met you, but now I know it to be true. And your life, my Bella, is the most precious of all. That life must not be spent in sadness and fear.

This letter and the one before it are the first two in a series of letters you will receive from me. I'm not going to tell you how or when you will receive the others. They will come to you as they are needed. Just do this one thing for me, Bella: Do what I ask of you, and trust that it will all be for the better in the end. I want you to heal, Bella, and I'm here to help you with that. Yes, my love, I am still with you.

Now that you've hunted, I can give you your first tasks: First, do you remember the little favor I asked you to do for me once you changed? Something to do with Emmett? Trust me. You can beat him. Secondly, do you remember the day you asked me to eat human food? Time for payback, love. Find some food in the kitchen to try. No, you aren't going to like it, but it really is something every vampire needs to try once.

Be well, my Bella. I will write to you again soon. By the way, while I encourage you to share this letter with the rest of our family, as you did the first one, you might wish to keep some of my future letters to yourself. I may mention some personal things you do not want shared with the others. Whatever your decision, I'm sure they will understand and respect your wishes.

Forever yours,

Edward.

P.S. I love you.

I should be shaking from head to toe. My heart should be pounding in my chest. I was standing still and strong. My vision and my thoughts were clear. My breath was coming a little faster than normal, but even that change was almost indiscernible.

Did Edward really just ask me to arm-wrestle Emmett and eat human food?

As if I was being pulled by some invisible force, I turned and began walking down to the living room, where I could hear everyone else talking. All conversation ceased when I appeared at the top of the stairs, still grasping Edward's letter. Six pairs of golden eyes flickered up to my face. Then, in almost perfect synchronicity, they all locked onto the piece of paper in my hand. Everyone moved very fast then.

I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, in Rosalie's arms, with Esme stroking my hair fretfully. Jasper was standing close by too. I could feel the waves of calm he was projecting through the room. Carlisle was holding Edward's letter, and he quickly read it aloud to the room while Alice stood beside him with her eyes closed and her brow furrowed in concentration. Emmett just looked like he wanted to hit something, until Carlisle finished reading the letter. There was a brief, ringing silence, then Emmett doubled over with laughter. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the room was glaring at him, including Rosalie, but he didn't seem too bothered by that.

"He wants you to eat human food?!" Emmett laughed, "And, what? Fight me? And he thinks you'll win?!" Emmett was almost shaking with mirth. That did it.

"Not quite," I hissed as menacingly as I could manage. Emmett abruptly stopped laughing and looked at me in surprise, as did everyone else. "He wanted me to arm-wrestle you. As for the human food…" The idea came out of nowhere, but I absolutely loved it. I shrugged off Rosalie and Esme and darted into the kitchen, quickly grabbing a bag of chips and two cans of soda before returning to the living room. I placed the food and drinks on the coffee table and smiled up at Emmett. "I could just try one chip and a sip of soda for Edward, but… How about a little bet, Emmett?" Alice burst into a fit of giggles before Emmett could even respond. I grinned at her while Emmett glared at both of us.

"Just state your terms, little sis," Emmett challenged me, ignoring Alice. Not wise.

"Arm-wrestling," I repeated. "You and me. If you win, I have to down half the bag of chips and one entire can of soda. If I win, I still have to try one chip and a sip of soda, but you have to finish everything else on that table. The entire bag of chips and both cans of soda." Emmett's cocky grin disappeared and he eyed the food on the coffee table warily. Alice was trying to contain her giggles, but one quick look at Jasper told me it was quite a struggle. Alice's mood was obviously affecting him greatly. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, as he struggled to not laugh himself. At least he was finally being affected by a happy emotion.

"Deal," Emmett suddenly spoke again, reclaiming my attention. That arrogant grin was back in place. Was I really so confident? I glanced at Emmett's thick arms and he flexed, noticing my hesitation.

"You're not gonna back out of your own bet are you, Bella?" He asked tauntingly. I thought of Edward and my confidence quickly returned.

"Just thinking of taking pity on you," I said, glaring at up at Emmett, "that's all. So, where do we do this?"

"Right this way, Tinkerbella," Emmett said, and he darted outside. _Tinkerbella_? Oh, he was going to get it. I shot after him. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme all followed close behind. Alice and Jasper were both snickering in anticipation. When Emmett stopped beside a huge boulder outside with a relatively flat top, I turned around to look at them. Alice nodded in encouragement and Jasper winked at me.

"Newborn strength," he murmured almost inaudibly. Emmett wouldn't be able to hear him. "This isn't the same as real fighting. He doesn't stand a chance." I grinned at Jasper's reassurance and he and Alice positively beamed back, clearly glad to see me genuinely happy about something. Carlisle and Esme both wore similar expressions. Rosalie was looking at Emmett, shaking her head in disbelief. That stroked my confidence even more. She seemed to believe Emmett was doomed too. I skipped across the few yards between me and Emmett, completely free of doubt.

Emmett placed his elbow on the massive boulder and opened his hand for me. I grabbed his big hand without a millisecond of hesitation and started counting it off: "One, two…"

"Three," Emmett grunted and he pushed against my hand.

Nothing. Sure, I could feel the force he was exerting against me. He could probably throw Tyler Crowley's old van over the house with equal or less strength, but my hand didn't budge. I just stood there for a moment, enjoying watching him struggle. After a couple seconds, he leaned his entire body into his arm, trying to move mine. Nothing at all. Finally, I flexed and Emmett lost an inch. A feral growl ripped from his chest and I heard his teeth grinding together as he pushed against my hand with all his might. Not enough. After another couple seconds, I started to get bored. I grinned smugly at him and he growled even louder, then I pounded his hand into the boulder so hard it burst into gravel… The boulder, of course, not his hand. Judging from the look on his face, he might have actually preferred the latter.

Rosalie was still shaking her head. Alice and Jasper were laughing freely. Even Carlisle and Esme had their lips pressed tightly shut. Rosalie turned and ran inside the house, reappearing less than a second later with the bag of chips and the two cans of soda. Emmett looked at her like she had sprouted fangs—bad joke, but still true. Rosalie smiled at him and shook her head once more.

"A deal's a deal," she sighed. "You really stuck your head in it this time, Emmett. Did everything Jasper taught us really go in one ear and out the other that quickly? Skill beats strength when fighting newborns, but take away the need for skill… Really, Emmett, the wolves probably learned more from all that than you did. Here you go, Bella," Rosalie said and she opened the bag of chips and handed one to me. I cringed at the smell alone, but I felt so much better knowing that whatever I was about to experience, Emmett had it much worse.

I tossed the chip in my mouth and chewed quickly, barely resisting the urge to spit out the foul-tasting human snack, and I swallowed within the same second. "Bah!" I gagged. "Edward told me it was like a human eating dirt!" I grumbled. "I did eat dirt once when I was. human. This is worse!" Rosalie laughed and handed me one of the cans of soda. I grudgingly opened it, careful to check my strength and not crush the can, not that part of me didn't want to, but that would deprive Emmett of the treat. I took one quick sip of the soda and made myself swallow. It tasted like bleach fumes and tin. Still, I couldn't help but smile when Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper applauded my discipline. My smile grew wider when I looked back at Emmet. He wasn't smiling.

"Bottoms up, big brother," I said, handing him the soda can. I quickly pulled my hand back as soon as he took the can, just in case he decided to take a vengeful snap at me. He growled at me once more before he went to work. I went to join Alice and Jasper, and the three of us howled in unrestrained laughter as Emmett chugged both cans of soda and ate all the chips, all with a priceless look of disgust on his face. As soon as he was done, he advanced on me.

"Rematch. Tomorrow." He growled when he was a foot away.

"Emmett! Are you really that dense?!" Rosalie screeched. "It's not going to wear off that fast! It will be months before her newborn strength tapers off!" Jasper nodded in agreement when Emmett looked at him.

"A real fight, then," Emmett grumbled after a moment of thought. If it were possible, I would have blanched.

"No way!" I protested. "I did listen to Jasper, even when I was human and half-asleep. I'm not agreeing to a fight when I know it will be a massacre!"

"What about all your newborn strength, Tinkerbella?" Emmett taunted. "I'll only beat you worse when it's gone."

"Lay off, Emmett," Jasper suddenly growled. I looked up at him and blinked. The way he was glaring at Emmett… He really looked like a vampire. "Bella doesn't handle fighting well. She and I went a couple rounds. She even initiated it the first time, but something goes wrong and she shuts down. Don't push her." Jasper's tone was menacing as he spoke those last words; I almost cringed away from him myself. He laid a protective hand on my shoulder and Alice came up to my other side, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Emmett deflated.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said in a tone that was almost pleading. It sounded strange, coming from him. "I didn't know. Forgive me, little sis?"

"It's okay, Emmett," I said sincerely. "Of course I forgive you. I know you would never really hurt me." Emmett smiled warmly at me before looking back up at Jasper.

"Sorry, Jazz." He said. Jasper nodded and relaxed, obviously feeling the sincerity coming from both me and Emmett. There was a brief silence, and then Emmett chuckled.

"Well, crap," he said, smiling at me. "The first time you're really happy in a week and I'm the one to ruin it." Good point. I couldn't help but laugh at that. Everyone else chuckled softly too. Jasper sent out a wave of calm and everyone laughed a little more freely as the tension dissipated. I breathed in the peace and happiness in the air and I let my thoughts drift to Edward.

Edward really was going to help me. He'd already given me this wonderful moment of contentment. He'd already given our family one precious moment of joy and excitement. I still didn't understand how he was writing to me. That still disturbed me a little, and yet… I couldn't wait for the next letter to come.


	5. Humans

My Beautiful Bella,

I hope you are beginning to feel a little more comfortable in your new life by now. Your eyes should be gold soon. I must warn you: The gold in your eyes will never outshine that of your heart.

About the deal you made with Jasper to work on your thirst together: You should be ready to reenter the human world now. Obviously, you can't be seen by humans in Forks. They all believe you are dead. Try taking a trip to Seattle. Take Jasper and Alice with you, but keep your company to a minimum. The point of this exercise is to prove that you don't need our entire family there to hold you back. You don't need such restraint. You were always so strong, my Bella, and you still are. You will be fine.

After your first outing with Alice and Jasper, I want you to take another trip with Rosalie. Yes, Rosalie. Recent events may have brought the two of you closer, but you two can still do better. Take her to Port Angeles. You will know what to do from there.

You must make both of these trips soon, Bella. Again, I assure you, you will be okay. Trust in that. Trust yourself. From the moment you met me, you trusted me, but I took so long to trust myself with you. Don't make my mistakes, Bella. You were never afraid of me. Don't be afraid of yourself.

Forever yours,

Edward.

P.S. I love you.

A week after my first hunt, Edward's third letter came. Finding it lying on my bed, just as I'd found the last one, was such a relief. The first two letters had come within twenty-four hours of each other, after all. This one had been much longer in coming.

Edward was right, of course: My eyes were light amber. They would be gold in another two weeks, according to Carlisle's new estimate. Not consuming any blood at all for my first week had jump-started the color change, and I was still progressing faster than normal.

Was I really ready to be so close to humans though? I had to trust that I was. It was what Edward wanted. I just had to convey his wishes to the others. There was nothing especially personal about this letter, so I could just pass it along.

"Jasper? Alice? Rosalie?" I called as I walked toward Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom. Rosalie was inside. She opened the door when I called, and she looked at me quizzically. Again, Edward was right. Rosalie and I were on much better terms than we were when I was human, but our relationship was still lacking. Rosalie was always walking on eggshells around me, trying to make up for how she treated me before. I didn't really know how to interact with her. We knew so little about each other due to our previous distance, and it left our relationship a little shallow and strained.

"What is it, Bella?" Rosalie asked me, but her eyes fell on the letter in my hand as she spoke. "Oh." She said, and she bit her full lower lip lightly.

"Another letter from Edward?" Alice asked as she and Jasper came up behind me. "If you're sharing it, why did you only call us?"

"You, Jasper, and Rosalie are mentioned," I answered Alice and handed her the letter. Jasper read it over her shoulder and Alice handed the letter to Rosalie when they were done.

"Do you think you're ready, Bella?" Jasper asked me as Rosalie read the letter, his tone grave. "You've only hunted three times since your change, and you've only smelled a human once. It's true, you resisted the temptation of the scent remarkably well, but the scent was all you encountered. Seeing humans up close takes an entirely different kind of restraint. Even if you hold your breath, you can _see_ the blood in their veins and you can hear their heart pumping their blood through them. If their heart rate increases for whatever reason, or if they blush, it's even more difficult. Honestly, Bella, you and your blushes were torturous at times. If you believe you're ready, we'll go, but…" Jasper let his voice trail off implicitly, sparing me any more vivid descriptions but letting my imagination do its own work.

"I think I'll be okay," I answered feebly. I was already nervous, and Jasper's words made me even more wary. I couldn't stay in my little cocoon forever. Knowing that strengthened my resolve and I nodded. "Edward's right. I need to go. I'll be fine."

"Yes, you will," Alice said with confidence.

"Vision?" I asked her. She nodded and smiled encouragingly at me. "We can go now, if you want?"

"Okay," I agreed. "What are we going to do in Seattle?" Edward only gave a location, not an activity. Considering I was going with Alice…

"Shopping," Alice chirped. Jasper and I both groaned. "None of that," Alice said to both of us. "Edward's orders."

"He did not mention shopping," Jasper argued.

"He mentioned me and Seattle," Alice retorted exasperatedly. Jasper raised his eyebrows at me as if to say 'good point'. I had to agree.

"Fine, Alice." I said, "Shopping, but…"

"What?" Alice asked sharply, daring me to try my own argument on her.

"What am I going to wear?" I asked her. "I can't go shopping in this, can I?" I was wearing a perfectly respectable skirt and sweater, but I forced mock distaste into my tone. Alice beamed at me and darted off to search out more appropriate attire. Jasper chuckled softly.

"If she tries to force you into stilettos and a miniskirt, remember you asked for it," he said with a smirk. I smiled back and he looked down at his own attire. He was wearing milky white button-down and faded jeans. "Do you think she'll let me out of the house like this?" He asked both me and Rosalie.

"Haven't you worn those jeans four times by now?" Rosalie asked him. Uh-oh.

"The jeans have to go, then," I said. Even I knew Alice's 'three wears and it's out' rule. "You haven't worn those charcoal corduroys she bought for you a week ago, have you?"

"No, not yet," Jasper laughed. "Good idea, Bella." Jasper started to leave so he could change clothes, but he stopped at the top of the stairs and looked back at me with a warm smile.

"Edward's right about your heart," he said. "This will be good for you and me, and Alice hasn't been this excited in a while. You're making her so happy." Jasper was gone before I could make any kind of reply, not that I knew what to say to that.

"Bella?" I turned back around to face Rosalie when she spoke. "If you're going with Alice and Jasper tonight, when are you and I going to…?" Rosalie seemed to be struggling with the concept of the two of us going out alone. The idea was very strange to me too, but I had to trust Edward.

"Maybe we could go tomorrow," I said. "Um… I'm guessing I'll probably need to hunt after tonight…"

"Probably," Rosalie agreed. "Even if control isn't an issue, being around humans makes all of us thirsty faster than when we stay isolated. Might as well make it a good hunt too, if you and I are going out…"

"Jasper, Alice, and I can go farther out to hunt then," I said. "After we're done in Seattle, maybe we can go somewhere where I can find a lion or a grizzly."

"Good idea," Rosalie said. "I'll hunt while you're out."

"We'll go to Port Angeles at about this same time tomorrow?"

"Sure," Rosalie agreed. Mercifully, Alice chose that moment to reappear and drag me off to her room. Letting Alice treat me like a semi-living doll was a little uncomfortable, but trying to carry on a conversation with Rosalie was worse.

A couple minutes later, Alice had me in a white blouse with a delicate floral print, a knee-length khaki skirt, and brown boots with a surprisingly short heel. I had been prepared for sequins and stilettos. This outfit shocked me. Alice surprised me even further by leaving my hair alone. She just brushed it out and let it hang loose.

"Um… Alice…?" I found myself speaking to her very softly and slowly. If something was wrong with her, I didn't want to startle her. She darted off without a word. She ran into her closet room, and that was one place I dared not follow her. I just waited for her to come back out. She reemerged a minute later, wearing a red halter top, black jeans, and red pumps. She smiled at me and I blinked at her, confused. Her grin widened and she shrugged her narrow shoulders.

"I just wanted to try a new look on you," she explained. "A country look like this looks pretty on you. Jasper's going to love it. The yellow floral print tones down the amber color of your eyes too. They look a little more golden. See for yourself." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me over to her full-length mirror, pointing eagerly at my reflection.

The flowers definitely did bring out the gold in my eyes. That was a relief. I'd been worried that my amber eyes were still a little too conspicuous for humans to see. This outfit, though… It made me think of rolling pastures and grazing cattle, or walking through fields of wildflowers and listening to summer cicadas. It really was pretty.

"Jasper's waiting in the garage," Alice announced, breaking me out of my brief reverie. "We're taking the Porsche." I nodded mutely and followed Alice out of the room, feeling what I could only describe as the vampire equivalent of butterflies in my stomach. Jasper noticed right away.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Bella?" He asked me when Alice and I entered the garage. "If you don't feel ready, we don't have to go."

I honestly didn't know why I was so nervous. I really did believe I could control myself, but…

"Bella, Bella, stop," Jasper threw a wave of calm at me as he spoke. "What's wrong? You just went from anxious to grieving in less than a second… Bella?" Jasper stepped closer to me and laid a hand on my shoulder. When his influence on me increased, I noticed Alice was holding my hand and shaking me lightly. With Jasper's help, I fought to get a hold of myself.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I apologized immediately. "I… I only just realized what's wrong, myself… I'm sorry."

"It's Edward, isn't it?" Alice asked me. I almost laughed. There was no way she could have seen that, but she was still so perceptive. I nodded.

"I always thought he would be here for this," I told Alice and Jasper. "He was so determined to protect me from becoming a monster, to help me… I wish he was here… I want him here. Of all the things I've done since my change, this is so much more important. I'm rejoining the human world tonight, and I'm doing it without him. It just feels wrong."

"There is nothing wrong with moving on, Bella," Alice reassured me vehemently. "It's what Edward wants you to do. Jasper and I will be with you. You are ready for this, and we'll help you through it. You'll be okay, Bella. You still have us." I nodded and checked my strength before hugging Alice. Jasper hugged me lightly as soon as I released her.

"I'll always be here for you, Bella," he said soothingly. When I couldn't bring myself to respond, Jasper helped me into the Alice's Porsche. Alice slid into the back seat with me and Jasper started to drive. It was when he pulled out of the garage that I noticed the slivery glow in the sky… It was twilight.

"The safest time for us," I murmured to myself. "The easiest time." Alice scooted closer to me and rested her head lightly on my shoulder. Twilight or not, this was going to be difficult.

It only took us about forty minutes to drive to Seattle. The thought of a vampire driving me anywhere used to make me nervous, because they drove so ridiculously fast, but that kind of speed seemed perfectly natural now. I wasn't bothered one bit by Jasper's driving. In fact, it made me curious to try driving myself.

"You can drive back, Bella," Jasper said, sensing my interest. He grinned at me as we got out of the car. Alice seemed to be struggling not to laugh. I was about to growl at them, but I stifled the sound when I heard other voices… Humans.

"Oh, come on," one man groaned. "Awesome ride and two hot chicks?!"

"Lucky bastard," his friend grumbled.

I wasn't supposed to be able to hear either of them. The two men were forty yards away and talking relatively quietly as they approached. Even from this distance, I could not only hear them, but I could see them quite clearly. One of them was about Jasper's height, but very thin and gangly. He had short chestnut hair and brown eyes. His friend was about five inches shorter with an average build. He had wavy auburn hair and green eyes. Then there was the scent…

My throat burned and ached with thirst at the smell wafting off them, but I didn't hold my breath. The tall man smelled like… cotton? No. Silk, and… chocolate? The man with auburn hair was easier… Rum and… custard?

"Are you okay, Bella?" Jasper murmured to me, barely moving his lips. I nodded.

"Can you tell what they smell like, Bella?" Alice whispered, "Specifically?"

"At first, I got cotton from the lanky one," I quickly whispered my reply, "but then I decided it was more like silk and chocolate. The shorter one smells like rum to me, and… Is that custard?" Alice didn't answer me right away.

"Jasper?" She prompted, instead. "What about you?"

"I wasn't picking up anything quite so specific," Jasper murmured in a somewhat dejected tone. "The taller one definitely smells like some sort of fabric, and I noticed the rum smell of the other one… none of the rest."

"That's still good for you, Jasper," Alice whispered affectionately. "Nice try. Bella, you came very close. The thin man smells like velvet and hot cocoa, and his friend smells like rum and coconut. How's your thirst, Bella?"

"It's hurting, but I'm okay," I whispered back. Alice beamed at me and Jasper smiled faintly. Our entire conversation only took seven seconds. The men were still about ten yards away. I could hear their heartbeats. Eight yards. I could hear the blood flowing in their veins, and I could see the tempting red in their cheeks. Six yards. I could hear their individual breathing and I could clearly see their more prominent veins in their hands and at their pulse points. Jasper moved a little closer to me and casually positioned himself between me and the approaching men. Four yards.

"Hey, man, nice ride!" The thin human called out to Jasper as they moved still closer. "That baby's gotta corner like it's on rails!"

"You have no idea," Jasper laughed amicably. Oh no. Interaction? How was I supposed to act? Would my interpretation of 'normal' seem off to these humans? I quickly scanned through my human memories and found one memory in particular: The day I figured out the Cullens weren't human—they moved too fast and too gracefully, they were impossibly strong, they never ate, they spoke like they were from a different time, their eyes changed color, and their skin was ice cold and hard as stone.

"Don't make any abrupt movements," Alice whispered in my ear while Jasper continued his conversation with the humans. "Don't speak too fast either, unless it's fast enough that they won't notice it at all. If you move, walk slowly and let your feet shuffle a little. Try to avoid touching them at all if you can. You seem to be okay with breathing, so just keep it up. Don't stand still too long, and make sure you blink every once in a while. Humans fidget a lot, so touch your hair or fiddle with your jewelry, things like that…" Alice kept her face turned to me and she closed her eyes for two seconds. When her eyes reopened, she smiled at me. "You'll be fine. You're doing great, Bella!"

When Alice and I looked turned back to the humans, the thin man was still admiring the Porsche. Jasper was still keeping him busy, but the green-eyed man was looking at me and Alice. He smiled at me when our eyes met and he walked a little closer.

"So, what brings you three out here tonight?" He asked me. Alice answered that one.

"Just came down to do a little shopping," she said brightly. "What about you…?"

"Jeffery," the man introduced himself at the prompt. "We're locals, actually. Dean and I are roommates. We're renting a loft a few blocks from here. Where are you coming from?"

"Bellingham," Alice lied smoothly.

"Oh, up near the border?" Jeffery sounded surprised. "I wouldn't've pegged you guys for small-towners."

"Well, don't let the car fool you," I decided to attempt a joke. It came out fairly well, I thought. My bell-like voice was unmaskable, but I sounded casual enough. Jeffery laughed a little and Alice smiled at me in encouragement. I shot a quick glance at Jasper and he nodded once in approval.

"No, it's not just the car," Jeffery said. His voice sounded a little shaky. I looked at him, surprised. I could tell by Jeffery's fluttering heart rate and slightly flushed cheeks that he was nervous. It made me think of how boys always reacted to Rosalie and Alice. It was strange to think that I could provoke the same reaction. I wasn't used to being so beautiful to others. I felt a gentle wave of calm wash around us as Jasper tried to subtly soothe the man—bothmen, I realized. The thin one, Dean, was no longer looking at the car. His eyes were on me and Alice.

"I-I mean, don't take this the wrong way," Jeffery spluttered, "but you're so… um…" I already knew what he was trying to say.

"Oh, this?" I asked casually, gesturing to my appearance. "We had a salon day. We just got back from a camping trip, and we wanted to freshen up." Jeffery's jaw dropped, but he seemed to believe me. Lying was much easier as a vampire. I didn't have to worry about blushing or stuttering and giving myself away.

"Camping?" Dean recovered before Jeffery. "All three of you? Together?"

"Shit, I'm slow…" Jeffery murmured, shaking his head as he fought to regain mental clarity. The movement threw his scent all around us and the burn in my throat flared. "You did say you all lived in Bellingham. You're all related?" He was looking at me, but I couldn't answer. I was holding my breath. Alice and Jasper caught on immediately.

"Yes, and we're supposed to be home in a few hours," Jasper answered. He walked over to me slightly too fast and grabbed my hand, gripping it tightly. "We really should be going if we're going to have much time to shop," he said to Alice, then he turned back to Jeffery and Dean. "Sorry to run off so quickly," he apologized. "We don't get the chance to come down here very often. It was nice talking to you, but I'm afraid we must be going."

"Uh… Yeah. Sure. Sorry to hold you up… Have a nice night." Jeffery and Dean both garbled out several responses. I knew without looking back up at them that Jasper had probably just dazzled them. I would have to learn how to do that soon. Jasper started walking down the street, away from the two men. He tugged me along with him, not releasing my hand. Alice followed behind us, putting one more obstacle between the thirsty newborn and the unsuspecting humans.

"Breathe, Bella," Jasper ordered after a minute of struggling to walk at human pace. "The air is clean here. Their scent is behind us." I inhaled obediently, gratefully taking in the fresh air. The burn in my throat subsided slightly and I stopped walking. Jasper allowed the pause and stopped too, though he did not release my hand.

"I wasn't going to hurt them," I whispered. "I really wasn't."

"No, you weren't," Alice agreed. "I saw it. You were in control, but it was still better to play it safe. You did incredibly well, Bella. Many vampires find it impossible to get that close to humans at all without feeding. You're still a newborn and you were interacting with them, Bella. You did beautifully. Don't let the fact that you were tempted make you feel guilty."

"It's natural, Bella," Jasper said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. "It's the resisting that's unnatural, but that's our chosen lifestyle. Don't be ashamed of your natural reactions. They can't be helped. At best, they can only be ignored."

"Thanks, Jasper, Alice," I said. "Are we still supposed to go shopping?" I asked Alice. "Or was that back there enough? I mean… What did Edward really want me to do?"

"I'm sure the main point was to test your control around humans," Alice answered. "Going shopping for a while would test your limits a little more—more humans, more scents—but it's really your choice. If you would rather leave, we can just go hunting now." Jasper nodded in agreement.

"I'm supposed to go to Port Angeles tomorrow, with Rosalie," I thought aloud. "Do you think I have enough control for that?" Though Alice was the one who could see the future, I looked up at Jasper. For a brief moment, he looked at me appraisingly, but then a warm smile spread across his face.

"Yes, I think so," he said. I was a little surprised by his answer. He frowned again when he felt my reaction.

"I hate that you still believe I'm judging you that way, Bella," he sighed. "It's my own fault, of course. Even when you were still human, I made that petty bet with Emmett about how much you would struggle as a newborn. We both called off that bet, by the way, but there should not have been such a bet to begin with. I'm sorry, Bella. I do believe you can control yourself. I do believe it's safe for you to be around humans now. I believe it with all my heart."

"Thanks, Jasper," I responded, "but there's really nothing to apologize for. I wasn't offended by your… assumptions. You were drawing from a lot of experience with newborns. I mean, that fight could have gone a lot worse without all your help. If anyone else in our family had been hurt, or if any of the wolves had been killed…" Jasper reflexively threw a wave of calm at me. A look at Alice told me she was trying to see something specific; her eyes were unfocused and she had a look of frustration on her face. I turned back to Jasper. I opened my mouth to speak again, but his finger on my mouth stopped me.

"There's no need, Bella," he said. "I can feel what you're feeling: Your respect, your gratitude… Thank you." I nodded once and Jasper dropped his hand. Alice found what she was looking for.

"Yay! We're still going shopping!" She cheered and she bounced forward to hug me. "Thank you, Bella! This is going to be fun. Don't worry. Just relax and you'll do fine."

"Only a couple stores, Alice," I warned. "Then we're going hunting. I need it."

"I know, I know," Alice spoke impatiently, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "One of my favorite boutiques is closing in an hour. Let's go!" Alice looked up and down the street to make sure it was clear of humans before darting off at vampire speed. Jasper and I both laughed.

"That vision was abrupt," Jasper commented lowly to me. "What was it that made your decision?"

"Thinking about who else I could have lost," I answered simply. "You know that saying, 'you don't know what you have until you lose it'?" Jasper nodded. "It's not true."

"No, it's not." Jasper agreed, then he took my hand and pulled me forward, and we started running after Alice.


	6. Strong Enough

Jasper and Alice were still laughing in the back seat when I pulled into the massive Cullen garage. As promised, they'd let me drive us home from our shopping and hunting trip. I loved every second of it. I had a whole new appreciation for Alice's agile Porsche. The speed and easy handling of the car really were impressive. I found myself looking at the other cars in the garage in a whole new light. I was sure I would never be a real car connoisseur by any means, but I felt some of my old aversion to the speedy vehicles around me dissipating. In fact… That motorcycle Edward ended up giving to Jasper a few months ago absolutely begged to be ridden. I would have to ask Jasper about that later.

A familiar booming laugh rang through the garage as Jasper, Alice, and I climbed out of the car. Emmett was just walking in with Rosalie a few steps behind him. Rosalie was laughing softly too. I didn't need to ask what they were laughing at. For one thing, my sudden acceptance of high-speed driving was hilarious to the rest of my family. Jasper and Alice had already explained that much to me during the ride back. Then there was the obvious: I was wearing one sleeve of the blouse Alice had dressed me in as a scarf. The rest of the delicate floral blouse had not survived my wrestling match with a grizzly bear, nor had the skirt I'd been wearing. I was wearing a brand new pair of fitted jeans and a flowy yellow camisole. My boots were still intact, if a little muddy. There were no bloodstains on them, so I'd insisted on wearing them home. I liked them.

"So, did a herd of elk destroy your clothes again?" Emmett laughed. Rosalie slapped his arm and I laughed too.

"Nope. A grizzly," I responded. "Nice and irritable." Emmett laughed even harder.

"Way to go, Tinkerbella!" He laughed, "You bagged your first bear!"

"Stop calling me Tinkerbella!" I growled back.

"Gonna beat me at another arm-wrestling match if I don't?" Emmett teased through his continuing laughter. Rosalie started to slap him again, but she froze when she heard my response.

"Actually, I'm not sure I can." Emmett stopped laughing.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Jasper asked me. "Of course you can still beat him. It's only been a week since the first time. Your strength will taper off, but not that quickly."

"Are you really so sure?" I asked him. He, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all wore the same confused expression. "I was thinking… Before the fight with the newborns, I remember Edward explaining to me that consuming human blood makes vampires physically stronger than consuming animal blood does. That's why newborns are so strong; they're full of their own blood right after their change. So can't you measure a newborn's strength by the color of their eyes?" Watching everyone's faces, I could tell they were beginning to understand what I was thinking. Jasper nodded thoughtfully.

"For the most part, yes," he answered. "Most of a newborn's strength tapers off within about six months, bottoming out after a year. The brightness of their eye color does help gauge the rate of depletion to an extent—if all but the edges of their irises go black when they're thirsty, that means they've burned through all of their own blood and they've lost their initial strength… I can see where you're going with this, Bella." Jasper confirmed my assumption. "It's true, your eyes are nearly gold now. You're only a couple weeks old, but you didn't feed at all for your entire first week, and you haven't consumed one drop of human blood…"

"I know you've never seen a case like mine, Jasper, but doesn't it make sense?" I prodded. "My eyes have been changing faster because I'm using up all my human blood faster. All that human blood is what made me so strong, but…"

"It's almost gone," Jasper murmured. He was staring at me calculatingly, clearly deep in thought. Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett were silent. I tried to listen for Carlisle and Esme. I couldn't hear any kind of movement coming from the house.

"Are Carlisle and Esme here?" I asked Emmett and Rosalie.

"We're here, Bella," Esme's voice called from the house. I heard her start to run and I could hear Carlisle follow close behind her. They appeared beside Emmett and Rosalie less than two seconds later. "We were listening." Esme explained. I nodded, looking at Carlisle.

"I'm not going to stay strong much longer, am I?" I asked softly.

"You will still be strong, Bella," Carlisle corrected. "Don't think of it that way, but you might not retain your newborn strength as long as is normal, no. Your theory does make perfect sense. It's unusual, but completely logical. I suppose…" Carlisle hesitated for a moment and he glanced at Jasper before looking back at me. "We could test it?"

"Arm-wrestling is a go then?" Emmett asked eagerly, already recovered from his brief fit of confusion.

"If Bella is willing, yes," Carlisle answered.

"But no bets on the results, Emmett," Esme interjected. Emmett's grin faltered slightly but held its place. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Okay Emmett, let's go." Emmett was already out the door by the time I finished speaking. I ran out after him and heard everyone else following behind me. That gave me another idea. "Wait just a minute, Emmett," I called out to him. "Someone race me down the driveway and back," I called over my shoulder and I changed my course, taking off running down the long driveway. I heard someone follow and I checked the air for their scent—cotton, oats, and pine—Carlisle. With Edward gone, Carlisle was the fastest runner in the family. Jasper was a close second. I pushed myself as hard as I could to stay ahead of Carlisle, but I could hear him gaining on me.

"It's okay, Bella," Carlisle encouraged from a very short distance behind me. "Just go as fast as you can. Keep going." I heard Carlisle pick up his pace slightly and that disturbed me even more.

"Are you running as fast as you can?" I called back to him. "Don't throw this race to make me feel better, Carlisle. Please." A couple strides later, Carlisle was running level with me.

"I am now," he said softly. I nodded and kept running as hard as my legs would carry me. Carlisle never passed me, but I wasn't able to move ahead of him again. He and I stayed even all the way down the driveway and back up to the house. None of the others seemed to know how to react when we returned to them. Esme was wringing her hands fretfully. Rosalie looked a little disturbed. Emmett seemed to be sizing me up, probably still thinking about arm-wrestling. Jasper and Alice both wore unreadable expressions. I didn't look up to see Carlisle's reaction.

"Okay, Emmett," I said as I stepped around Esme and approached what was left of the boulder we'd used before. I planted my elbow on the boulder opened my hand to him. "Don't hold back." Emmett nodded mutely and took my hand, planting his elbow three inches from mine.

"One, two…" Emmett started counting it off, but he hesitated. I gripped his hand a little tighter and looked him squarely in the eye. He nodded again. "Three."

I lost an inch right away. I pushed back against Emmett's hand as hard as I could, but I felt the pressure he was exerting lessening. "Stop it, Emmett," I growled. "I already lost an inch! Don't throw the match now!" It was a slow death after that. I was strong enough that he wasn't unable to pound my hand to the rock quickly, but I had no chance of winning. I focused all my strength on keeping my hand elevated, but after nine agonizingly long seconds, it touched down.

Everyone around me was silent, including Emmett. He let go of my hand and waited for my reaction, but I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. I tried to give over to my most basic instincts. I tried to let myself act like a normal newborn… and nothing. I wasn't a normal newborn. My newborn strength was already declining rapidly. I was able to control myself around humans. I wasn't normal… so I had to fake it. I launched myself at Emmett and had him pinned in less than a second. That wouldn't do.

"Would you fight back, already!" I growled impatiently. "I may not be a normal newborn, but you could at least act normal! Act like Emmett! Laugh at me for acting so ridiculous! Tease me about it! Gloat about beating me! Fight back!"

"Bella," Jasper warned, but I ignored him. I was waiting on Emmett. I continued to stare him down and I didn't have to wait long. Emmett rolled and threw me off him. I flipped and landed on my feet, crouched to spring. Emmett sank into a defensive crouch in response and grinned smugly at me. I let loose a growl and pounced. Emmett dodged me easily, and that's when the fight really started.

Though my body wanted to fight on instinct, my mind had other plans. A muddy human memory filled my thoughts: I saw Jasper teaching everyone how to fight Victoria's newborn army. Remembering those fights as I saw them through human eyes, most of the fights were literally a blur, but when Jasper slowed down and gave deliberate instruction… 'The two most important things you need to remember are, first, don't let them get their arms around you. Second, don't go for the obvious kill. That's all they'll be prepared for.' I was aware of Jasper silently watching me, yet I could hear his voice in my head. It reminded me of when I hallucinated Edward's voice as a human. 'As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively. Emmett?' Right on cue, Emmett turned and lunged at me from the side… and he missed. I ducked under him and grabbed him from behind when he landed, then I threw him into the arm-wrestling boulder and destroyed what was left of it.

There was a stunned silence. Emmett stood up and stared at me, looking perplexed.

"'As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively'," I quoted to them. "I remember Jasper's instruction. You all moved too fast for my eyes to follow, but I was still paying attention. I expected Emmett to come at me from the side, so I could respond effectively." There was another beat of silence, and then everyone was laughing.

"You'd better be careful, Emmett," Jasper laughed, sounding both incredulous and a little smug. "You're only slightly stronger than she is, and I taught her to fight without even realizing it."

"You said she had trouble fighting!" Emmett growled back at him. "Doesn't seem like she's shutting down to me!"

"Don't ask me," Jasper laughed again, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "Looks like she's over that. Well done, Bella," he said to me. "Maria would be envious of such a quick-study newborn." Jasper smiled proudly at me and I grinned back. Major Whitlock had just complimented my fighting skills; I was really proud of that one. Emmett growled again, and I wasn't fast enough to dodge his next attack.

Emmett and I both hit the ground. His arms were locked around me from the side, pinning my arms to my body as I tried to wrestle out of his grip. I broke free briefly and rolled, but Emmett tackled me again. He ended up on top of me, pinning my arms down, but he was positioned high up, giving me nearly full range of motion from the waist down. I swung my legs up and locked my ankles in front of his neck, contracting my abs tightly and forcing my legs back down, knocking him backward and cracking the back of his head against the ground. That move would have severely injured a human, but Emmett just growled and pushed against my legs until he was untangled. We both sprang to our feet. Emmett was grinning even as he growled again. He was having fun. "Now you're acting like the Emmett I know," I said, grinning back at him.

"Right, the big oaf who can't even keep his little sister pinned," Jasper taunted. Emmett growled and turned on Jasper. Jasper was ready for him; he turned and darted toward the river. Emmett hurtled after him.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Esme asked me and I knew she wasn't asking if I was physically hurt.

"I don't know how I feel about it," I answered honestly. "My strength is obviously declining rapidly, but my eyes are lightening faster too. I was afraid of what this newborn phase would be like… I guess part of me is relieved it's going to end soon. Still, it does bother me a little. All these ways I'm so different from the norm; it makes me feel… defective."

"You are not 'defective', Bella," Alice responded immediately. "You're just different, but we're all different from most of our kind. We keep a stable home and we live among humans without ever feeding on them. Being different makes you fit right in with us." That made me laugh. I couldn't help it. Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie all laughed softly too. That drew my attention to Rosalie… and the time. It was twilight.

"Are you ready to go to Port Angeles, Rosalie?" I asked her, indicating the silvery sky overhead.

"I need to change clothes," she said. "Emmett and I just got back form hunting too." Not one thread of Rosalie's clothes appeared out of place, where I was wearing what was left of my blouse as a scarf, but I took it as habit. I just dusted off the camisole and jeans I was wearing.

"Jacket," Esme warned. "It's cold out tonight, as far as any humans are concerned."

"Try the white corduroy blazer," Alice recommended, but I wasn't in the mood to play Bella-Barbie.

"I was going to go with the black leather bomber jacket," I said as I turned to go inside. "Something with a little more edge." I picked up my speed and ran before Alice could argue, darting upstairs and grabbing the short jacket. Rosalie was ready less than two minutes later. I met her in the garage and I was glad to see she wasn't overly dressed either. She still looked stunning in curve-hugging jeans and a fitted red sweater with a deep v-neck and a black leather belt cinched around her waist. She was also wearing strappy stilettos with a very high heel, but her jeans were long enough to mostly cover them. She was definitely dressed down compared to her usual. Rosalie gestured toward her convertible and I leapt lightly into the passenger seat. She slid in smoothly behind the wheel.

"So… Have you thought of anything specific we can do?" She asked tentatively as she drove out of the garage.

"Not really," I said. "Maybe we can see a movie, or…" I couldn't believe I was saying the word, "Shopping?" Rosalie laughed knowingly.

"Of course, the latter would be a last resort," She laughed.

"Only if we're desperate," I agreed.

Rosalie didn't drive quite as fast as Edward, Jasper, and Alice did, but she by no means drove slowly. We still tore down the streets at well over the speed limit. It only took us about seventeen minutes to get to Port Angeles. Darkness was just beginning to fall when we parked on the side of a fairly secluded street. I noticed we were just a few blocks away from the Italian restaurant Edward once took me to, so I started walking in that direction, just to get moving. Rosalie followed along at my side, but as if I was borrowing Jasper's gift, I could tell she was feeling awkward in the situation.

"That jacket was a good choice," she murmured, trying to make small-talk. "It looks good on you. It suits you more than that white blazer Alice recommended. I saw it the day she bought it for you."

"Thanks. I like your sweater," I replied. "I've never seen that one before."

"Actually, you have," Rosalie said. "I wore it for your eighteenth birthday party, but it's understandable that you don't remember…"

"Oh." Absolutely pathetic response, but it was all I could manage. Mercifully, a new conversation idea came to me quickly.

"So, should I be prepared for a surprise attack from Emmett anytime soon?" I asked. Rosalie laughed freely and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I don't know," she said. "Maybe. You know he doesn't take losing well."

"He won the arm-wrestling match," I said.

"After watching you race Carlisle, he was expecting to win that," Rosalie argued. "None of us expected you to win a real fight."

"But I didn't win," I countered. "Not really. He took off after Jasper before we really finished."

"I think that was a deliberate play on Jasper's part," Rosalie said thoughtfully. "I got the feeling he was trying to spare you Emmett's retaliation for your little stunt. Emmett can be very creative when he's seeking revenge. You probably should stay on your toes for a while."

"Jasper and Alice will protect me," I said.

"As will I," Rosalie promised. "Don't worry. It's certainly been entertaining seeing Emmett bested by his once-fragile little sister." Rosalie laughed lightly at the thought and I smiled back at her. I was finally doing something that pleased her.

"What the?!" I heard a man's voice exclaim. "Is that…? Tell me that's not the same girl!"

"Fuck," another man cursed. "I think it is!"

"Damn, she's even hotter than before," a third man laughed.

"Check out that sweet piece of ass with her," A fourth man groaned. At that point, Rosalie and I were both scanning the darkness for the owners of the voices. I already had a bad feeling about what we would see, and Rosalie seemed to sense it too. She moved a little closer to me and I felt the back of her hand brush against the back of mine, silently assuring me that I wasn't alone this time.

And there they were, lounging in an alley beside a vacant old bar with boarded up windows. The same four men from my muddy human memories, here in high-definition. Leave it to me to run into them again. "It's them," I whispered to Rosalie, barely moving my lips.

"All four of them?" Rosalie whispered back.

"Yes," I murmured even softer. Rosalie and I hadn't stopped walking, and we were almost in earshot of the human men. "I'm sure of it." That was when a light breeze carried their scents toward us… and I refused to even let my mind register them. These men were not innocent humans, but they weren't food. They were just despicable. Even if I was unable to restrain myself from killing them, their blood would not pollute my body.

The wolf-whistles broke out. Rosalie and I both growled too softly for them to hear. Rosalie had been in a very similar position before, and her attackers later perished at her hands. I was a newborn, and these men were not only revolting, but they had the audacity to remind me of Edward, reminding me he wasn't around to come to my rescue anymore. They picked the wrong women to screw with.

"Hey babe, where's your boyfriend?" The tallest man in the group called out to me. I vaguely recognized him, but my eyes were locked on the heaviest man in the bunch. It was at that moment that he had the nerve to speak to me.

"Not gonna try to run us over again is he, sugar? What was up with that anyway? He the jealous type?" I felt a fire inside me that had nothing to do with thirst. I saw red and I wanted nothing more than to rip the man and his friends apart. I craved the feeling of their bones cracking under my hands. I tensed to spring… and then I realized what revolting things I was thinking of doing. I was aware of Rosalie tensed beside me. Was she going to intervene or was she ready to join me? She had killed her attackers after her change… Did that make it okay for me to do the same?

'I thought I would be exempt from the... depression... that accompanies a conscience,' A memory of an old conversation with Edward suddenly erupted from my muddy memories and filled my mind. 'Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl… If I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible.' Memory-Edward's voice was remarkably clear. Clear and absolutely beautiful, as it should be. 'But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life, no matter how justified…'

Edward was right. As much as I felt these men deserved a slow and painful death… I couldn't be the bringer of such a death. I could… but I wouldn't. No one but Rosalie was there to witness it. No one but her and the rest of my family would ever know, but I would know. A part of me would always regret murdering these foul men before me, and they did not deserve my eternal remorse. I would not kill them, nor would I allow Rosalie to kill them for me.

"Don't, Rose," I whispered to her. I straightened out of my half-crouch and Rosalie quickly did the same, though her confusion at my behavior was evident on her face. "They aren't worth it," I murmured softly. Rosalie stared at me for a brief moment, and then she smiled knowingly... proudly.

"Hey, who's your friend, sugar?" The portly man called out to me again. Rosalie and I had stopped moving, so he and his friends started walking toward us. Big mistake.

"My girlfriend," I replied, unleashing the full force of my velvety vampire voice. I took one of Rosalie's hands in mine and looked up at the bulky man from under my eyelashes, trying to dazzle him. It worked. Rosalie shot a smoldering glance at the other men and all four of them stopped dead in their tracks. Rosalie and I both let up for a moment, letting them recover, and they all whistled and laughed again. Typical horny male reaction to a girl-on-girl allusion. Oh well. Their fantasies of us would quickly turn into nightmares. I looked behind them and saw a shiny red sports car that resembled Rosalie's.

"Is that yours?" I asked them in honeyed tones. I pointed to the car and they all nodded eagerly.

"It's mine," the tallest man answered me. Perfect.

"That's ours," I purred, gesturing back in the direction of Rosalie's convertible.

"Great minds think alike, huh?" The heavy man said suggestively. Oh was he in for a surprise. I smiled and stepped around them, slinking toward their car. Rosalie followed, still holding my hand, playing along. The stupid men shadowed us like lost puppies.

"I don't know," I purred as I ran my free hand lightly over the leather seats inside the car. "What are you guys thinking about now?" Four different heartbeats were pounding like drums behind me. They were all about to skip a beat.

"Oh, we'd better not answer that unless you like dirty talk, babe," One of the men said huskily. Stupid, stupid human.

"I'm more of an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of girl," I said silkily. I let go of Rosalie's hand and murmured a quiet aside to her: "Get ready to stop them," I warned her. "Pull the boards off one of those windows and we'll toss them inside before we leave." Rosalie nodded infinitesimally, a faint smile coming to her lips. "Instead of telling you what I can do to you," I continued to address the four men behind us, "I'll show you."

With no more warning than that, I reached under their car and lifted it clean off the ground. I held it over my head and turned to face them directly. They were frozen like a herd of deer in the headlights. I flashed them my most innocent smile. "This won't be a problem, will it?" I asked, and then I tossed their car across the street. It landed upside-down, screeching to a halt as it hit a dumpster on the side of the road. One more beat of stunned silence, and then the men collected themselves enough to scream.

Rose and I both pounced before they could even begin to run. We grabbed one of them in each of our hands and effortlessly hauled them over to the rundown bar, careful not to hurt them too badly. Rose kicked in one of the windows and tossed her two captives in. Mine followed close behind the first two. All four men were still screaming, but there was no one around to hear them. I used some old nails on the ground to pound the boards back over the window with my fist while the men watched in horror.

"Aren't you glad we didn't do that to you?" I purred through the spaces between the boards.

"You might want to save your voices until morning, boys," Rosalie said silkily. "No one is going to hear you tonight."

"And even when some one finds you, no one is going to believe you," I added coolly, letting my sweet pretense fall. I turned and walked away.

"Pleasant dreams, perverts," Rosalie hissed in farewell, and she quickly caught up with me. The men continued to scream, despite our advice, but I didn't really care, nor did Rose. We both climbed casually back into her car and she drove off. For a minute, we just enjoyed the feeling of the wind in our hair as we tore down the street, and then we started laughing victoriously.


	7. Enter Player

To my love,

I'm glad you and Rosalie had a chance to bond. I'm sorry to say you will need that new level of support. You should see the wolves again soon. Whatever you hear, whatever happens, stay strong, my Bella. You have a family around you that loves you dearly, and I will always be with you. Know that and be brave.

Forever yours,

Edward.

P.S. I love you.

Edward's latest letter was not on my bed as usual, but waiting in the garage when Rosalie and I returned home. She read it over my shoulder when she saw that I would allow it.

"How could he know that?" I asked her.

"I have no idea," She responded thoughtfully. "We can ask Alice."

"Ask me what?" Alice was suddenly right behind us. I handed her the letter. She frowned.

"How did he know that?" She repeated my question.

"It's true?" Rose and I both asked in surprise. Alice nodded.

"I can't see," she said. "I was waiting for you two to get back… I was worried. I was scanning through all of our futures and we all disappeared." I couldn't help but laugh at the disgruntled expression on Alice's face. She really hated it when the wolves clouded her visions.

"When?" Rosalie asked.

"That's why I was so worried," Alice grumbled. "Everything goes blank in about an hour."

"But we're on good terms with the pack." I said. "Nothing to worry about, really."

"As far as I know, people only disappear from my visions when they interact with wolves or when they die, Bella," Alice sighed exasperatedly. "If you two weren't back in time to interact with the wolves…"

"Oh," I said, understanding. "Sorry, Alice. I had to stop for another quick hunt. Rose and I… ran into a few humans."

"I know," Alice chirped, her mood brightening a little. "I did see that." Alice burst into a fit of giggles then, and Rosalie laughed with her.

"Entertaining, was it?" Rose asked.

"Immensely," Alice laughed. "Everyone else thinks so, too. Of course they didn't get the visual. Carlisle and Esme might feign disapproval when you two get inside, but they're really proud of you, Bella. Jasper is too."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Thankfully, Emmett chose that moment to appear.

"Glad to hear you had some fun, Rosie," He immediately turned to Rose with a huge grin on his face. "Things are probably gonna get real interesting soon. Jasper's going to have his hands full keeping all the wolves sedated. Billy Black called a few minutes ago. Sam and Jacob are already back. They're rounding up the rest of the pack now, checking up on everyone…" Emmett kept talking, but my mind was instantly elsewhere… Jacob.

'I'm in love with you, Bella. Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him.' Jacob's voice lurched out of my foggy human memories and filled my mind. Several muddy memories of him blurred together, but they entwined it n a way that made perfect sense. "You love me, too. Not the same way, I know, but he's not your whole life… Not anymore… You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me…" I knew those sound blips were out of out of order and out of context, so I tried to fill in the gaps, grasping at all my vague memories of Jacob. I only needed to find one: 'Until your heart stops beating, Bella, I'll be here…'

Until my heart stops beating.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice jolted me out of my reverie. I felt his calming influence before my eyes found his face. The two scars just above his eye were even more noticeable, as his brow was furrowed with concern. He was standing just behind Alice, but he was quick to take a few steps forward when the torrent of emotions I was surely sending out didn't relent. He took my hands and focused his soothing power on me, patiently holding my gaze until I spoke first.

"I haven't seen Jacob since the fight with the newborns," I murmured. "Since I was human…"

"He's your best friend, Bella," Alice offered reassuringly. "I can't see him, but I'm sure he won't hold your change against you."

"I kissed him," I admitted, my body quivering as I tried to restrain the dry sobs poised to spring from my chest. "He kissed me again, right before the fight with the newborns… and I kissed him back." Jasper's grip on my hands tightened momentarily, but I didn't bother trying to make sense of it. "I kissed him and I told him I loved him… Not as much as Edward, but… Edward died just hours later, and I…" My own battle against the searing pain in my chest was lost then, and dry sobs wracked my entire body. Still, between my sobs, I went on, my voice shooting up into a new octave. "Edward told me he understood, but nothing can excuse what I did! I told him I loved someone else right before he died to protect me!"

"Bella, don't do this to yourself," Alice cut off my hysterics. "Edward understood, just as we all do. I honestly think you were the last person to figure out that you loved Jacob. He insisted on it from the start, and we all saw it too. We also saw how much more you loved Edward, so we never brought it up. It's okay, Bella…" Even as Alice's words did offer me a little comfort, a break in Jasper's calming influence distracted me. Where our hands still touched, a string of emotions I couldn't make sense of broke through the current of calm washing over me: Jealously followed by guilt, love followed by denial, and passion quickly followed by confusion. I looked up to meet Jasper's surprisingly ambivalent gaze and he quickly dropped my hands.

"There's fear in you I can't quite understand, Bella," he said in a jarringly detached tone of voice. "Are you afraid because you still have feelings for Jacob?"

"I'm not really sure how I feel about Jacob, actually," I found myself whispering in response to Jasper's abrupt shift in attitude. "That's not what I was thinking about. That whole time he was trying to win me away from Edward, the driving force behind it all was that he wanted me to stay human. He was always so repulsed by the idea of me becoming a vampire. I guess I'm afraid…"

"That Jacob won't still love you?" Jasper pressed.

"No," I almost growled. Jasper's strange behavior could only be described as hostile, and my instincts were screaming at me to fight back.

"Then what?" Jasper demanded.

"Jasper," Emmett cautioned, but too late. I snapped.

"I don't know, Jasper!" I growled in fury beyond my control. "I don't know, okay! I haven't the slightest idea what the hell is wrong with you, but leave me the hell out of it!" Jasper was tensed to counter my spring, but even in my sudden rage I wasn't that stupid. I leapt over Alice, expecting no opposition from her, and ran out of the garage before Jasper or Emmett could try to stop me.

"Bella!" Alice called after me, but I could hear no one pursuing me. Still, I ran even harder. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, desperate to find a haven where I could have just one moment of peace.

I ended up in Edward's meadow.

'Tell me what you're thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing.' Edward's voice emerged from my human memories again, and I could almost feel him beside me. Though I knew his voice was coming from a memory long since passed, I replied in earnest.

"I'm thinking of Jacob… I'm afraid to see him again."

'I don't want you to be afraid.'

"I know you don't, but… What do you want? What do you want me to do? It wasn't supposed to be like this. Victoria's still out there somewhere. Our family and the wolves are determined to catch her, but I'm so afraid that someone else will get hurt… What if it's Jacob? Or Alice? Or…" I meant to say Jasper's name, but I choked. I had a million more questions for Edward, but there was only one that really mattered: "Why did you leave me?" I whispered to the empty meadow. "You promised you would never leave me again."

'I am so very sorry,' Edward from my memories whispered in reply. I could almost smell his sweet breath on my face again. I could almost feel his cool hand in mine. His angelic voice was a tender caress against my ears… and then it was gone.

"Bella?" Though Jacob's voice was soft behind me, it was thunderous in contrast to the whispers of the past. I whipped around to see an incredible sight: Jacob's russet skin seemed to give of a subtle glow from within. Though he stood several feet away, I could sense the excess of heat radiating from him. He stood before me clad in nothing more than an old pair of denim cut-offs, and he blended in perfectly with the surrounding forest. He was in his element, as my new eyes could plainly see… That was when the smell hit.

A light breeze blew through the meadow and it was saturated with the scent of burnt rubber and truck exhaust, and a terrible wet dog smell. The highly concentrated scent alerted me to the fact that Jacob was not alone, and there was something about the scent that registered as threatening. I instinctively tensed to defend myself. A menacing growl came from somewhere behind Jacob and I growled in reply, sinking into a crouch.

"Whoa, Bella, take it easy!" Jacob pleaded in alarm. I heard movement behind him and I was about to loose another warning growl, but Jacob beat me to it. "Paul, if you attack her, I swear I'll phase and bite your ears off!" Paul. The most temperamental wolf in the pack. Of course he was growling at me. As my mind caught up with my body, allowing reason to overrule instinct, I was able to regain my composure and straighten out of my fighting stance.

"Sorry," I mumbled, still ill-at-ease as my senses screamed at me to either fight or flee from the threatening creatures slowly emerging from the surrounding trees. "Instinct." Within moments, there were a dozen horse-sized wolves standing before me. None of them mattered when Jacob's friendly smile lit up the entire meadow. My own personal sun was back.

"Trust me, Bella, we understand," he chuckled. "That's why we're all here, actually. We were headed for the lee—your house—to touch base with your… family..." As Jacob spoke to me, his smile gradually went from natural and easy to forced and lackluster. With every word he carefully bit back, another cloud smothered my beautiful sun. "Anyway, we came across your scent and we didn't recognize it, and it was obviously a vampire, so…"

"You were hunting me?" I asked, hurt by Jacob's unease with me. Of course, my behavior wasn't much better.

"No!" Jacob was, to my relief, instantly contrite. "We assumed it was you, but we couldn't know for sure. Besides, you know how the treaty works on our end: We don't attack a vampire in this territory unless they bite someone. We weren't going to attack you."

"Paul was," I reminded him, nodding in the direction of the larger gray wolf I recognized as Paul.

"Paul was just being Paul," Jacob grumbled, sending the gray wolf a quick glare before looking back at me. "You know that."

"Yeah, I guess I do," I murmured sadly as all my muddy memories of Paul swam through my mind. "Everything that happened when I was human is kind of cloudy now, but it's still there…" A minute of poignant silence followed my words as they sank in. Jacob took a few steps closer to me and spoke again.

"Who were you talking to, Bella?" He asked me softly. "There's no other scent here…?"

"I was talking to Edward," I admitted quietly. "Pretending to, at least. This was kind of 'our place'."

"Yeah, I remember," replied somewhat sourly. "This isn't the first time we've found you here."

"I remember." I murmured. "I know this is technically the place where Laurent almost killed me, but… it's Edward's place too." A soft whimper brought my attention away from Jacob then, and I turned to look at the sand-colored wolf to my left: Seth.

"He thinks it's his fault," Jacob explained, following my gaze. "Because he left you and Edward with Victoria, to chase that newborn. He never stops kicking himself over that… It's painful." I glanced up at Jacob in time to see him wince at something he clearly heard in the pack mind. I turned back to Seth and took a tentative step toward him. Leah growled once, but no one made an immediate move to stop me, so I closed the distance between myself and the young wolf, reaching up to gently stroke his scorching fur with my icy hand.

"Please don't blame yourself, Seth," I whispered, my voice going ever-so-slightly hoarse with emotion. "What happened was no one's fault but Victoria's. I know that's difficult to accept… Every day, I try to think of something I could have done, but the truth is Victoria was ready for all of it. She planned it all so well…"

"'But I shouldn't have left,'" Jacob said, coming up behind me, and I realized he was speaking for Seth, from the pack mind. I shook my head vehemently and tugged Seth's big head down a little, so I could look him straight in the eye as I spoke to him.

"Seth, listen to me. Right after you and that newborn ran off, a tree fell on me and made me bleed. Victoria was able to keep control of herself, but that newborn would have lost it. If you hadn't chased him off, we all might have died. You did the right thing, Seth. You did what you had to do. What happened to Edward, to me… That is not your fault. Understand?" Seth let out another soft whimper and Jacob translated.

"'I guess… What's up with your eyes?'" I blinked at the abrupt change in subject and laughed despite myself. That was so… Seth.

"I noticed that, too," Jacob said, speaking for himself. "I was expecting the bright red eyes all those other newborns had, but your eyes are almost gold." Jacob reached up and brushed my hair back from my face, to better see my eyes, and I almost jumped at the feeling. Like Seth's fur, Jacob's hand was shockingly hot where it lightly grazed my cheek. My instincts told me to flinch away from the heat, but my heart simultaneously told me to move toward it. I settled for holding perfectly still.

"It's complicated," I almost whimpered. I paused to recompose myself before continuing in a normal speaking voice. "I didn't hunt for an entire week, and you'll be glad to hear I haven't attacked a human. The 'vegetarian' diet is actually much easier for me to stick to than we anticipated. It might be my gift, of sorts. Carlisle can give you a better explanation."

"Right," Jacob sighed, suddenly looking weary and anxious. "We need to go talk to Dr. Fang. We came back here for a reason."

"Did something happen with Victoria?" I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper as I forced it around the knot that abruptly formed in my chest.

"Actually, it involves the one who trained us for the fight the newborns," Jacob said grimly.

"Jasper?" I scarcely managed to gasp as the knot in my chest tightened still more around my silent heart. Jacob nodded.

"We don't know much. We just heard Victoria talking to her, and Jasper's name came up a few times."

"Her?" I whispered.

"Victoria made a new friend," Jacob nearly growled. "Apparently, her name is Maria."


	8. Malignant and Salutary

The moment I heard Maria's name, I was terrified. Vampire warlords allying with our enemies, love letters from the dead... nothing was as it seemed.

Maria came to Forks after killing Victoria herself. A mate for a mate. That's how our fight with Victoria began, and that's how it ended. Victoria burned like James, and Maria... she defended her mate, making amends for how she left things with him, with Jasper. Maria and Jasper were mates.

"Wait, what about the psychic pixie?" Jake asked me while we walked along the beach. With Victoria and all related threats gone, I was allowed across the boundary line as long as at least one wolf stayed with me.

"She's Jasper's chosen mate, apparently, not his true mate. I know, it shocked the hell out of me too. When Jasper first told me about her... well, she sounded like a sadistic bitch, but I guess it's more complicated than that."

"That means we form stronger bonds with our imprints then," Jake said, fighting a smile. I slapped his arm lightly.

"Not the time, Jake."

"I know, I know. Sorry. Doctor Fang called my dad last night, said you're expecting a guest but we shouldn't worry about it."

"That'll be Maria," I said. "Jasper swears she's not staying long. He said he can't just brush her off this time; she did kill Victoria for us, for him."

"This time?"

"Yeah, I guess she does try to contact him every decade or so. She hasn't found anyone else she's happy with, but she and Jasper both know they can't be together. Malignant mates. That's the proper term, apparently. Like humans, vampires can get trapped in toxic relationships; the love there is real and strong, but they inevitably bring out the worst in each other. Edward and I were true mates, but our bond was salutary. We brought out the best in each other."

"Even I'll admit that's true. I know I was a jerk about it. I still wish you'd chosen me, but I'm not blind."

"Jake..." Why? Why was this happening again? "Please don't go there. I'm a vampire now. The humans here all believe I'm dead."

"Easy, Bella. I know," Jake said. "I didn't mean to 'go there'. I was just... I'm glad to hear vampires can move on, okay? If the pixie—if Alice and Jasper can be that happy together when they aren't true mates, that means you can be happy again too. Right?"

I forced a smile and wrapped one arm around my old friend, hugging gently, ignoring the smell and the excessive heat. It had been a while since Edward's last letter, not very long really, but I was still so attached... days felt like weeks, weeks like months. I also couldn't bring myself to tell Jake that I wasn't so sure Jasper and Alice were doing well. They weren't fighting or anything, but that was kind of what bothered me. From the moment I opened these new eyes, Alice had been cheerful as always, but distant. She probably thought I hadn't noticed, easily forgetting I was no longer human. Meanwhile her mate—her chosen mate, I guess—had been spending much of his time with me, and now his ex, his true mate, was just going to drop by for a visit? Jasper was the hardest member of the family to read; he'd spent so much of his immortal life cutting himself off from others and shutting down so he wouldn't drown in emotion. Had I missed something as a human? Had the two seemed closer than they really were? I could recall taking note of how they were more private than the other couples, their public displays of affection brief and subtle. Had I missed the signs before? Or was I missing something now? I noticed Jake watching me as we walked and I shook my head.

"C'mon," Jake said, pointing up at the cliffs. "Let's jump."

Even after running back from La Push, my clothes were still damp, my hair dried in clumps and soft curls. I could still smell Jake on me too. Naturally, this is how I met Maria. Surprisingly, she seemed to like it.

"You are Bella?" She was direct. She stood behind the house with Jasper. Their rumpled and lightly ripped clothing told me they'd been sparring. Surely if they'd been fighting, the others would've come down to break it up.

"Yes, and you must be Maria?" I walked toward her as casually as I could, extending my hand. She shook my hand a little too firmly, so I squeezed a little harder too. Her eyes flickered down to our hands and then she smiled at me, tightening her grip. I pulled my hand away. "Someone told you my newborn strength is gone. It's true."

"But you still have a newborn's spirit," she said, smiling in what seemed like approval. "Running wild with your wolf friends, enjoying invincibility."

"Preparing to say goodbye," I interjected, keeping my tone polite even though something about Maria's words rubbed me the wrong way. "Everyone around here believes I'm dead. I'm an exposure risk here. Jacob Black has been my friend since we were toddlers, but he is duty-bound to stay with his pack and protect his people. I already gave up my human family and my human friends. In a very short time, I'll have to leave him too. Far from running wild... well, you could almost say I'm running scared." Maria's smile faltered. Behind her, Jasper took a step toward the two of us, his eyes searching for mine. "If you'll excuse me," I said, avoiding his gaze. "I would like to get my friend's scent off me. It bothers me now, too."

I stepped out of the shower and I could smell Alice waiting for me in my room.

'Avoiding Maria?' I mouthed to her while I dressed. She shook her head and pointed at me. I shook my head. No, I wasn't avoiding Maria... well, I had no plans to actively avoid her. 'Everything okay?' I mouthed as I finished dressing and pulled a brush through my hair. Alice shook her head again. I plopped down next to her on my bed. "Waiting to drag me out on another shopping trip?" I asked aloud, knowing she would know what I was really asking.

"You know we're trying to decide where to move next," she said. "We've narrowed it down to a few properties we already own. One is up in Juneau, Alaska. I thought you might like to see the place in person. Of course, yes, a road trip with me will involve some shopping, but that wouldn't be the sole purpose of the trip."

Just as I let myself relax, liking the idea of some alone time with Alice, I heard a crash and muted growls. I moved toward the door, but Alice grabbed my hand. "It's Jasper and Maria. It's okay." The sadness in her eyes and the tightness of her voice told me otherwise. I pulled my hand free and ran downstairs. My room, Edward's old room, was on the third floor. Jasper's room was on the second floor. The door was open, but I slowed to a stop at the threshold. Jasper and Maria stood across the room from each other. A crack in the wall behind Maria told me she'd been thrown into it. Looking at Jasper, I noticed the top three buttons of his shirt were missing. Had Maria thrown herself at him? No. Surely not. Why would Alice be okay with that? I took one careful step forward.

"Everything okay?" I asked. Jasper remained silent, unmoving, looking at Maria. He wasn't glaring or growling, but he was definitely upset. Maria said nothing, but she looked at me. Once again, it felt like an appraisal. She was sizing me up, trying to figure something out. "What?"

"He can't be swayed, whatever holds him here," she said, giving me another bright smile. "Don't worry about me, cariña. I did not come to start trouble. I'll be going." Maria sashayed past me while I puzzled over her words. Had she just admitted to making a move on Jasper? While Alice was right upstairs with me?

Listening to Maria's departure, I heard someone else jump to the ground and run to the garage. Alice? An engine started, and Alice's car zipped out of the garage and down the road. She'd apparently changed her mind about our road trip. I turned to face Jasper. "What the hell?"

Jasper closed his eyes and sat on his bed, hanging his head, his fists clenched. The house was silent. "Alice told me she would meet him in Juneau," he said at last. "I heard the two of you talking... She told me her visions were unclear, but she knew she would meet him in Juneau. We don't own a house there, Bella. She's going to meet him." I moved closer to the bed, reaching out for Jasper but not quite touching him. As what he was telling me sunk in, I felt like I needed to comfort him, like he needed me to comfort him, but something brought me up short. Alice was going to meet her true mate... Why was she going to bring me along? And why did she change her mind?

When Carlisle and Esme appeared in Jasper's doorway, I slipped out of the room. Jasper wouldn't be alone. Running back up to my room, I saw a piece of paper on the bed. My breath caught in my chest, but moving closer I saw that it wasn't a letter from Edward, just a note from Alice.

Bella,

I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly. I was waiting for a decision to be made. I can't take you to Juneau with me, but I'll see you soon. Look after Jasper for me, please. I'm sure he told you... Bella, I'm so sorry. Please trust me when I say it had to be this way. It will all work out in the end. I promise. I love you.

Alice

Everyone else was down in Jasper's room. I could hear them all talking, comforting Jasper, promising him he'd always have a place in the family, that they all loved him. I went back down to join them, slipping Alice's note into my back pocket. Unlike Jasper, Alice hadn't chosen to give her heart to someone else after leaving her true, malignant mate. She'd fallen for Jasper while waiting for her true mate. It was like what happened with Sam and Emily; Jasper was in Leah's position. He'd been completely in love with Alice, and she with him... but she'd essentially imprinted. Had Maria taken advantage of this? Was it possible Jasper had made the first move? After all, Alice had warned him. What kind of warning was that? You know I love you, but when you hear the word 'Juneau', I'm out of here? We no longer lived under the threat of a violent end, but our hearts were still breaking. When would it end?

Though I returned to Jasper's room, I didn't know what to say, so I offered my silent support, sitting in the armchair across from the bed and doing my best to project my feelings toward him. I sent him love, trust, admiration—I hesitated, then I let myself really look at him, paying close attention to how the light enhanced each shade of gold in his hair, how his wide lips moved above his sharply chiseled jaw, the way his scars made him look rugged and formidable—I let him feel my attraction to him, because there was no reason to hide it. He needed to know there would be others, that he was desirable and he'd find love again. We weren't actually related, and we'd only lived together for a few months. It wasn't weird that I found him attractive. Who didn't?

Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rose trickled out of the room after about an hour had passed. Lost in my own thoughts at that point, I jumped slightly when I felt the light touch of Jasper's gift, sending back the same emotions I'd sent him... including attraction? I ignored that and focused on the gratitude I could clearly identify. Looking up, I meant to tell Jasper something along the lines of, 'No need to thank me, it's all true,’ or something like that, but the words died on my lips when our eyes met. Attraction. For a moment, that was all I cold see in his dark eyes. My breath caught. Was he really...? He blinked and looked away, bringing those thoughts to a screeching halt.

"What you saw earlier," he began, standing and walking over to inspect the small crack in the wall, "it wasn't what it looked like." I opened my mouth to tell him it didn't matter, that he didn't need to tell me anything, but he held up his hand and looked in my eyes again. "No, I really do need to tell you," he said. He hesitated, then added almost inaudibly, "I need to tell you most of all. Now." Facing me directly, he finally admitted, "I kissed Maria. I initiated it. Maria had expressed interest, but I made the first move when I heard Alice mention Juneau. I do anger quickly around Maria, and I... I made a foolish decision in the heat of the moment. Bella, I wanted to tell you this because, while you may not judge me for kissing Maria, I was quick to make assumptions about you when you expressed your concerns about your friend. I must apologize, Bella, from the bottom of my heart. Maria was nowhere near me then, and even of she were... I don't want to make excuses. You've trusted me since the day we met, when you were still human. You've shown me nothing but kindness and gratitude, and I was wrong to lash out at you when you were trying to sort out your feelings. I'm am the empath here. I imagine you confessed your feelings because you wanted help, and I... I'm sorry, Bella. Can you forgive me?"

"I had already forgiven you, Jasper," I said. "Of course I forgive you. You've done so much for me. We had a little fight; no one's perfect. If something I said or did hurt you, I'm sorry too."

"No, you did nothing wrong... but I know you'll feel guilty anyway unless I say this: Apology accepted. I forgive you as well."

Standing, I decided to let Jasper read Alice's note. I retrieved it from my pocket and handed it over. "If we're all still trusting her visions, this will get better, I guess." Jasper frowned, making the scar on his forehead stand out sharply in the soft light of the room. Handing the note back to me, he nodded solemnly. Alice's scent was still strong on the paper. Walking up to the head of the bed, I thought I might slide it inside Alice's pillowcase. Maybe enjoying her scent a little bit longer would help Jasper cope, like Edward's letters helped me? Jasper was beside me in an instant, taking the paper from me, his long fingers grazing mine. In that moment, I was very aware of the fact that I was boxed in. Jasper's sudden movement had brought him very close and, whether he realized it or not, he'd cut off my only escape. Yes, I could leap over the bed, but that seemed a bit extreme, and such a move might be taken the wrong way. Wrong way as opposed to what? I had no idea. What did I want him to think?

"Did you come to a conclusion?" He asked conversationally, not moving. Wait, what? Conclusion? "Regarding Jacob? You spoke with him briefly in the meadow and you spent half the day with him today. You were so confused before. How do you feel about him now?"

"I didn't think about it," I blurted out honestly. Realizing my answer could be easily misinterpreted, I tried to reorganize my thoughts. Could Jasper feel what his proximity was doing to me? Why was I so nervous? "I mean, when I was with him, the thought of being more than friends never crossed my mind. I'm not sure how he feels, but I didn't notice any of that old underlying tension. I don't see anything there anymore, so that's good."

"Is it?" Jasper asked, his eyes searching mine.

"Well, yeah. I know I saw nothing wrong with a human/vampire relationship, but shifter/vampire would really be awkward, wouldn't it? I'm glad we're still friends after all that. I'm glad we're done with that."

It was subtle, but I'm positive Jasper sighed in relief. He finally stepped back, giving me room to move past him. I did so almost involuntarily, a knee-jerk reaction after feeling trapped, but stepping clear of him didn't make me feel any differently. I was anxious, expecting something that wasn't happening. Seeing nothing else to do, I headed for the door, but I stopped at the threshold. I couldn't leave without giving him one more chance to speak. Turning to face him, I waited. He looked anxious too, expectant... conflicted. Was he waiting for me to say something? My mind was a complete blank. No words came. Giving up, I turned to leave. I took one step over the threshold and Jasper's hand was on my arm, pulling me back inside and into his arms. He held me gently, his face in my hair, his scent so like my own enveloping me. My arms went naturally around his waist, my cheek coming to rest over his heart. Maria's scent still clung to him, but I ignored it. Rain. He and I both smelled like rain.

"Rain," I whispered. It was the only word that came.

"Rain," he breathed. It was the only word that made sense.

We parted when we heard my text tone. My phone was still in my room. Jasper and I parted slowly, arms loosening reluctantly. I avoided his gaze as we separated. Whatever had sprung up between us felt... intense, and I wasn't sure what to do with that.

Up in my room, I found my phone on the dresser. Jake.

Why is Jasper's red-eyed ex hanging around the boundary line?

"Jasper?" She was his mate, reluctant as I was to involve him in more drama. "Maria's still here," I said as he reached my room. "Jake is asking why she's hanging around the boundary line." Jasper sighed.

"I really should have seen this coming. I'll deal with it."

"No, wait." Jasper paused on his way out the door. "The pack will only allow me across the line with an escort. If Maria crosses the boundary line, only I can follow her. Her comment about my wolf friends earlier—this might be more about me than you."

"I'm not sure I agree," Jasper said, his brow furrowed in thought, "but neither do I believe it's impossible. I'll stay downwind of you while you approach her. Thank you for telling me about this. I don't believe Maria means any harm, but she is..."

"Your mate," I said. "I get it. That's why I called you."

Jasper and I ran toward the boundary line, Jasper following about a quarter-mile behind me. I could still hear him when he stepped on a branch or kicked up too many leaves, but his movements became more stealthy as we approached the border, and he was downwind enough that his scent was overpowered by the wolf scents ahead. I didn't have to search for Maria. Her scent reminded me of the artificial cinnamon potpourri that was sold everywhere around the holidays; even as a human the scent had been too sharp and too strong for my liking. She was also standing out in the open, seemingly unfazed by the three wolves standing a couple yards from her: Jake, Seth, and Leah.

"Hello, Bella," She said brightly, as if this meeting had been planned. "I thought this would be the best way to reach you without involving Jasper or the Cullens."

"Jasper is a Cullen," I corrected her immediately, knowing Jasper could hear us, "and upsetting the wolves was completely unnecessary. If you wanted to speak to me alone, you should have just asked. Now that I'm here, can we take this elsewhere? My friends don't need to be dragged into this."

"Of course," Maria said cordially, raising her hands briefly in surrender. "I meant what I said, cariña. I'm not here to start trouble."

"Good," I said. Turning to Jake, I gestured to Maria. "Pack, meet the vampire who killed Victoria for us. This is Maria. Maria, the rest of the pack can see you in their pack mind."

Maria smiled and waved, looking directly at Leah for some reason. "Congratulations on your victory against the newborn army. I apologize for causing you alarm. I'll be on my way with Bella." Maria turned and broke into a slow run. Luckily, she didn't run in Jasper's direction. I waved to Jake and he nodded once, leading Seth and Leah away while I followed Maria.

"The female is gifted," Maria told me as I matched her pace. "Had she been turned before she first shifted, she would have developed bond-sight like Marcus Volturi." I almost ran into a tree.

"You have gift-sight?" Edward had told me about their 'cousins' in Denali, Alaska. I knew Eleazar could sense gifts in others, though we had not yet been introduced.

"I have gift-sense," Maria corrected. "Eleazar Denali's gift is a mental gift, so it would not work on you. For that reason, he would surely guess you are a mental shield, but my gift is physical, so I can confirm it."

"I'm a mental shield? So Edward, Aro, Jane...?" Maria stopped abruptly, catching my arm to stop me as well.

"I was told your mate could not read you, but you've been to Volterra? As a human?" I nodded. "And neither Aro nor Jane could break through your shield?"

"I guess not. Nothing happened, Aro invited me to join the Guard, along with Edward and Alice, but we all declined." Another appraising look. Another wide smile.

"I'm surprised he accepted your rejection. Have you considered going back, now that you've lost your mate?"

"No!" I answered a little too loudly. "I was still in the castle when... Heidi brought in..." I wanted to gag, or cry. I couldn't let my mind go there again. Maria understood. She nodded, her smile softening.

"You were there when they fed, leading dozens of oblivious, happy tourists to the slaughter." Did she have to put it that way? "You may think it worse, but I think what we did during the wars was better. Yes, we took a thousand human lives without hesitation, but we did not play with our food. The tour around the city and through the castle, greeting the humans like benign, beautiful kings in that throne room. It's one thing to kill by the dozen, it's another to make the humans feel foolish beforehand. Why insult their intelligence?"

"You had a large newborn army to feed, and your army was discreet enough to escape the Volturi when they intervened. If you didn't lure groups of humans in as they do, how did you do it?"

Maria's smile was broad and brilliant, victorious. I had asked the exact question she wanted to hear. "Jasper brought them in, of course. With his gift, he could make humans come to us eagerly, sedating them if we needed to feed swiftly and silently." I was shocked, but not by Maria's words. I was shocked Jasper had allowed this conversation to reach this point. No interruption, no diversion. He was letting Maria tell me all this. Edward would have—no. I stopped that thought in its tracks.

"Makes sense, I guess," I said, making myself look Maria in the eye. "It's still hard to imagine what he went through, what you all went through. I certainly can't judge... Is that what you were expecting?" Maria's unwavering smile tried to tell me no, but the flash of irritation I caught in her eyes told me yes.

"You're very young," she said, dodging the question, "but you're smart, so I'll be blunt: Anyone can see there is something between you and Jasper, and now that Alice is out of the picture you might be tempted, but you have no idea what you're getting yourself into, cariña."

"Stop calling me that."

"Bella. Bella, it's a shame that you lost your true mate so soon, before you were changed. I truly am sorry, but Jasper is my true mate."

"You're malignant mates," I gritted out through clenched teeth. "Jasper told me you two agreed you're better off apart. I don't know why you think he and I have done anything, but that's not true."

"I didn't say you've 'done anything'—dear little thing, you're still a virgin, aren't you? I said anyone can see there is something between you. Yes, we did agree we're better off apart, but look at me, Bella. Think about me. What does it say about Jasper that I am his true mate? What can be said about you, the true mate of Edward Cullen? Jasper and I have changed for the better, but we were cunning warriors when we met. You and your Edward were two innocent angels by comparison. I'm just warning you: If you're entertaining the notion of you and Jasper... don't. A shield you may be, but you still need protection."

If that were true, why had Jasper still not revealed himself?

"You killed Victoria for me, and I do thank you for that, but you know nothing about me. Being able to tell who's gifted and who isn't has clearly gone to your head. Edward had the same problem; after a century of hearing everyone's every thought, he considered himself an expert on all things, three steps ahead of everyone. It drove him crazy that he couldn't read my mind, but I think my shield protected him more than it protected me. With his gift rendered useless, he had to wake up and pay attention. He learned to see things from a different perspective. He saw what his own gift had done to him. We're true mates because I was insecure and he was overconfident, because I needed to feel special and he needed to learn humility. I'm not sure what you and Jasper gave each other, but if anything does happen between us, I won't doubt myself again. I'll remind myself I have something he needs, something only I can give to him, something you lack. I may be young, Maria, but don't insult my intelligence."

A rustle in the trees gave Jasper's position away. Maria, looking both angry and flustered, stepped away from me. When Jasper leapt over a dense cluster of ferns and landed between us, he immediately took up a somewhat defensive stance in front of me, knees slightly bent and one arm reaching back to keep me behind him. Taking in his stance, Maria also shifted into a partial crouch. Was there a serious threat or was this just what the two of them did when angered? I stepped to the side, taking Jasper's extended hand in mine instead of hiding behind it. He immediately straightened and turned to look at me, momentarily ignoring Maria. "Thank you," I said, "but I think we were okay."

Maria and Jasper needed a moment to cool off after that, but there was no fight, not physically.

"No more games, Maria," Jasper told her. "You took your shot and you lost. Retreat with some dignity." Maria hissed in irritation but nodded, running off into the sunset alone.

Jasper and I ran back home in silence. He'd said nothing to me since he came to my defense. I didn't think anything of it at first. What did I expect him to say? Each time I looked in his direction, however, his eyes met mine, the bright gold telling me he found something to drink while shadowing Maria and me. As we got closer to the house, we moved closer to each other. I'm not sure who moved to close the gap first, but soon we were both inching closer and closer together, my hair whipping his shoulder by the time we reached the house. The house was empty. Had the others assumed we were out hunting and gone out as well? I slowed to a stop in the entryway. Jasper stopped right behind me, and I do mean right behind me. I turned to face him, looking up to meet his eyes as he stood so close.

Attraction. He was definitely attracted to me, and under his searing gaze I couldn't deny I was attracted to him. It was an attraction we'd both ignored—no—an attraction that had never fully registered until we both found ourselves single and alone. What did I have that he needed? What did he have that I needed? I couldn't come up with answers in that moment. Logic so quickly gave way to instinct and emotion. I felt the gentle caress of his gift. Desire. He was testing the waters, silently questioning. I couldn't bring myself to make the first move, so I sent desire back.

Cupping my face in his hands, Jasper bent to press his soft lips against mine. I kissed him back gently at first, the experience so foreign. I was certainly less experienced, but when Jasper deepened the kiss, taking my lower lip between his and threading his fingers through my hair, I found myself responding enthusiastically. My fingers found their way into Jasper's golden curls and I pressed my body into his, moaning softly as Jasper loosed a low growl. The tip of his tongue ran along the seam of my lips and I shyly touched it with my own. Jasper's hands slid down my back, holding my body even closer to his... and suddenly I thought of Edward and Alice. I thought of Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rose catching us like this. We weren't really doing anything wrong, were we? Sensing the dramatic change in my emotions, Jasper moved to hug me instead, much like he had earlier. Once again, I struggled to think of the right thing to say. Once again, Jasper seemed to be having the same problem, but his gift touched me again. Love. General love, not platonic, not romantic, just... appreciative. Breathing in his scent, I sent the same back.


	9. The Messenger

Jasper and I kept our stolen moment to ourselves. It was surprisingly easy to act like nothing had changed, and not just for me. I could tell. Jasper was completely at ease around me, sitting next to me when we all watched a new movie, casually throwing his arm around me while Emmett sat next to us, Rose's head in his lap, her feet in mine. Jasper ticked her feet until she huffed and changed her position, sitting on Emmett's lap instead. I went hunting and Jasper came along even though he'd clearly fed. Nothing was said about Alice, or Maria, or the kiss. We had a great time hunting, running, and sparring. Jasper literally radiated ease and comfort, and I gave it back. That's how it was between us, how it always had been. We were one-hundred percent ourselves, no expectations. It was such a relief, especially when I got a call from Alice.

Alice wanted me to meet her at a movie theater in Vancouver, alone. She insisted she couldn't come home yet, nor could she talk to anyone else just yet. Why she wanted to meet in a movie theater... yeah, she didn't explain that either. When I drove up to meet her, I didn't even find her outside. She'd left my ticket at the counter. The theater was hosting a special showing of Wizard of Oz. Why, Alice? Why?

Alice waved me over when she saw me and I took my seat next to her. The showtime she'd chosen was sold out. It was the first time I'd been in such close quarters with so many humans. Alice was clearly unconcerned, so I was confident. I focused on the warm and savory but distinctly inedible butter scent saturating the air.

"Dorothy goes through all this to see clearly what's been with her all along," Alice murmured softly near the end of the movie. "There's no place like home. Now, what if home is a specific person? They aren't who you imagined you'd be with in the end, but under the right circumstances, you see them in a new light." Why was she drawing this out?

"You saw. You know I kissed Jasper. Alice, I'm so—"

"Stop. Yes, I saw, but I saw it months ago."

"What!?"

"Shh!" I'd raised my voice enough for the humans around us to hear me.

"I saw it a while ago," Alice continued, "and if you want to explore what may or may not be there, you obviously have my blessing, not that it's really mine to give at this point. I left to meet my own mate, and I didn't exactly spare anyone's feelings when I took off like that."

I gaped at Alice. So much to address. Where to begin... "What decision changed things?" I asked. "You started to invite me along, but then...?"

"It's always been difficult for me to see Maria. She's a total wild card. Jasper only kissed her for a second before he pushed her away, but he was still hurt, still struggling. If she tried to kiss him again, he would have stopped her, but you would have caught them in a much more compromising position. Jasper would have felt too ashamed to... well, to do all the things you two did that day. If those things couldn't happen, I really would have enjoyed bringing you along. Since I didn't bring you along, you'll have to wait a little longer to meet Lydia."

"Lydia?" I echoed. "Alice... No, never mind. I should have seen it sooner." Alice just smiled, looking away briefly. If she were human, she'd be blushing.

"I wasn't worried about acceptance," Alice said. "I knew everyone would be supportive, but I had my reasons for keeping this bit of information from Jasper. I've hurt him enough as it is. If he found out too soon that my true mate is female, he would have felt... used. Maria's his true mate and she used him during the wars. Peter and Char, friends of his from the wars, never really used him, but the three of them fight sometimes, doubting each other. Jasper knows deep down I would never use him, but finding out my true mate is female... it would have salted the wound. I'd be willing to call him now, or you can tell him. I'd like you to be with him when he finds out, either way. You steady him."

The movie had ended. The credits were rolling and the humans were trickling out. I was out of questions, but Alice looked nervous. After a moment, she pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. It was neatly folded, but I caught a glimpse of Edward's handwriting.

"You?" I whispered, choking on the word. My eyes stung as they tried and failed to well up with tears. "All this time? How? Alice... Why?"

"If it makes any difference, I hated this plan," Alice said, "but Edward insisted. Two weeks before the newborns came, I had a vision. You weren't going to make it, Bella. When Edward saw the vision, he panicked. We panicked. We tried changing our plans, one detail at a time, but the end result never changed. Finally, after days of trial and error, I had a vision... it still ended in your death, but Edward saw a way to change it. In the end, it was you or him."

I was frozen. Theater employees were coming in to clean, but their scents didn't even register. Alice pressed the letter into my hand. Vampire or not, I was surprised my hands didn't shake as I took it. "Did he really write these or was it you?" I asked. "There were things he couldn't have known...?"

"I did my best to tell him all I could see coming. In some of the early letters, he left a couple blanks for me to fill in before delivering them. It was... ninety percent him. This one is all him, I promise. Before you ask, yes, I told him everything I could see."

My Dearest Bella,

This is it. The newborns come tomorrow and Alice's visions are set. Only one of us can survive. Forgive me, Bella, I know it frustrates you when I make decisions like this without consulting you, but doing so would set us on a course that would bring about both of our ends, and I cannot accept that. You will live, my Bella. I've made my choice, and my choice will always and forever be you. I'm so sorry it has come to this, but I go with no regrets. We had such a short time together, but that time was filled with more love than some less fortunate will ever know. I would wait a hundred years for you again, but Bella, you cannot keep waiting for me.

You are stronger than you know. I knew you would need a little push at first, but you can face the road ahead and live happily. Stop looking for guidance. Whether you realize it or not, you know what you're doing now. You know what you want and what you need. Take it. Take what you need and run with it. I free you from a life wasted always looking back. Letting go is not forgetting. Loving another doesn't diminish love that came before. I love you with all that I am and I want nothing more than your happiness. Take it. I give you all that I have so you can take all that you desire. Live for me, my Bella. Forever.

Edward

P.S. I will always love you.

At some point while I read and reread the letter, Alice left. I could've tracked her, but I knew better. This was the point. This was it. I was alone.

I was alone.

I left the movie theater and I started running.

I payed little attention to where my feet carried me. I would move forward and move on, but first I just needed to move. I needed to outrun the grief that threatened to swallow me whole. I had come so far since I awoke to this life. I would not lose my voice. I would not shut down. For a little while, I would let myself run. I would run deep into the woods where no one could hear me scream at the top of my lungs. I would take down and drain a bear. I would beat a boulder into fine powder. Eventually, I would make my way back to my car. I would drive back to Forks, rolling down the windows so the wind could strip me of Alice's scent. I would drive right past the driveway to the Cullen house, only one destination in mind.

"Bella?" Jasper answered my call after one ring.

"Did Alice call you?"

"No." Jasper's answer sounded like a question.

"Sorry," I said, trying to brighten my tone. "I just have a lot on my mind. Will you come to the meadow?"

"Of course. I'm on my way."

Jasper found me stretched out among the wilting wildflowers about twenty minutes later. I sat up and patted the ground next to me. He sat down without question. No sunlight would touch us today. This wasn't a magical moment. This was reality. This was it.

"I didn't meet Alice's mate," I began, "but her name is Lydia."

"Lydia?" Jasper looked thoughtful for a moment, maybe a little wounded, but after a moment he smiled. "I can see it, I suppose." He laughed softly. "I certainly can't compete with that."

"You don't need to," I assured him. His eyes brightened.

"I don't?" He prodded. I pulled Edward's letter out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Alice was delivering the letters. A couple weeks before the battle, Alice saw that I wouldn't survive. This, Edward's sacrifice, was the only way to save me. They both knew one of us had to die. They came up with the letters to help me through it. Go ahead, read it, please." I watched as Jasper's eyes roved over the page once, twice, then he brought the page to his nose.

"She was careful not to touch the other letters," he observed. "We would have noticed. I would have noticed immediately."

"We all should have guessed it was her doing," I said. "Everything was so intense and confusing for a while, we never really stopped to ask ourselves how the letters were being delivered. We were too distracted by the fact that Edward was writing to me from beyond." A fresh wave of grief rose up around me when I choked out Edward's name, but it didn't take me under. Jasper took my hand when he felt it, but he didn't use his gift to fight it, letting me collect myself without interference.

"I'm glad it wasn't you," he said when he felt me relax a little. "I still remember the moment Alice saw you with James. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were all going out of our minds trying to change that vision, the thought of losing you too much to bear. Of course, it never occurred to us that you made the decision that changed everything, that you were going to slip away from us and give yourself up. You said they knew for two weeks?"

"That's when her visions of my death came, yes. It took them a few days to find the one way to prevent it. Edward knew he was going to die a little over a week before it happened, before... Oh... I just realized he knew before he proposed again, before I said yes..." Jasper did help me fight off the wave of guilt that crashed over me. What if I had argued again? What if I had said no? What if I had pressured him into making love to me when he wasn't ready?

"Bella, don't do this to yourself," Jasper began, but my mind was already rocketing off in another direction. He retracted the waves of calm he was sending out as a heavy realization sank in.

"Expectations," I murmured. "It's all about expectations," I said, meeting Jasper's gaze again. "When I spoke to Maria, I said I didn't know what you and I have to offer each other, but I think I see it now." Jasper smiled and nodded for me to continue. "As much as we loved our mates, we've both sacrificed parts of who we are in each of our relationships. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Maria expected you to be more aggressive than you really are, didn't she? She changed you during the wars, and she expected you to be aggressive, feral, threatening. Then you met Alice and she expected you to change your diet, wear nicer clothes, and play human with the rest of the Cullens. As much as I'm sure you loved them both, they both expected you to change who you were to some degree, didn't they?" Jasper's smile held through my whole speech, and he nodded once when I was done.

"And as much as you loved Edward, he often stifled you. You have a wild, passionate streak in you that rubbed him the wrong way, and being the generous and selfless person you are, you gave in and tried to meet his expectations." I nodded. I loved Edward with all of my mind, body, and soul, but it was true. Edward's expectations had caused me so much anxiety. It didn't really upset me, thinking of what I gave up, of how I changed for him. I didn't look back in anger, but I did wonder... Moving forward, were those compromises necessary?

"You said I was worth it," I said, smiling as those old memories rushed forward. "We barely knew each other, and you protected me, killed for me. You accepted me as I was, no questions asked. You saw the best in me when I couldn't see it myself." Jasper moved closer, taking both of my hands in his, turning them over and examining them idly.

"Nothing anyone said ever made you fear me," he said. "I never felt an ounce of fear, wariness, disgust, not even a shred of dislike. You accept everyone exactly as they are. You're the first person I've ever met who has done so with me. Even Carlisle and Esme had their moments, but not you, not even when I was lunging for you at that disastrous birthday party. Before I moved, all was forgiven. You understood and you loved... you love like others breathe."

"I hadn't really thought about it until Maria mentioned it," I said, "but she was absolutely right about one thing: There is something between us. I can offer you a life without expectations. I'd really like to learn more about you, about who you really are." I shifted, moving up onto my knees in front of Jasper. Reaching out, I traced that prominent scar on his forehead with my finger. "You never have to hide from me."

"I can offer you a life without expectations " Jasper said, grasping my wandering hand in his and kissing my knuckles lightly, tenderly. "I look forward to getting to know you better now that you're free of those old expectations." In an instant, Jasper grabbed my shoulders and rolled, pinning me on my back while he hovered over me, his nose grazing my cheek as he leaned in close, his breath against my ear. "You never have to hold back with me." A chill ran down my spine and my body moved against his of its own accord. His lips just barely grazed the corner of my mouth as he pulled back slightly, but he didn't kiss me. He waited for me to move first. I stretched my neck up and pressed my lips to his, just for a moment. I wanted more, but not in that moment, not in the meadow.

"Deal," I said simply. Jasper laughed and rolled off me, laying on his back beside me. I curled into him, resting my head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me. This was it. This was right.

It felt like coming home.


	10. Post Scriptum

_Dear Edward,_

_Jasper and I have come to the conclusion that, to leave behind old expectations, we must leave everything behind for a while. Alice wants to spend more time with Lydia before she brings her home, so to speak. She told Jasper she doesn't want to make the same mistakes with her, that she doesn't want to pressure Lydia into a living situation she might not care for. Emmett and Rose are taking everything in stride; they're going to take a little vacation of their own. Carlisle and Esme are taking some time off to do charity work in South America. I'm sure we'll all reconnect in a year or so, but it turns out we're all more than ready to hit the reset button. We all need a change._

_Thank you for everything, Edward. Thank you for bringing me into your world, thank you for your love, thank you for your sacrifice. There are times I wish you had told me what was happening. A part of me will always feel like I should have gone instead of you, but then you and Jasper both would have ended up alone. You gave your life to save mine, but you really saved us all. How ironic that this all began with you nearly killing me in biology class. Thank you for resisting your singer's blood. Thank you for turning my world upside-down. Thanks to you, I'm where I belong. Thanks to you, I know where I'm going, and even as I go forward I will carry you with me forever._

_Forever yours,_   
_Bella_

_P.S. Guess what?_


End file.
